


Home isn't a Destination. It's a Person.

by TillyAnn



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:15:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25741183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TillyAnn/pseuds/TillyAnn
Summary: As he stood just inside the grounds of his new life, watching his Dad walk back to his car, without so much as a glance back in his direction, he felt a weight being gradually lifted off his shoulders, and as he disappeared out of sight completely, Ben felt lighter than he had in years.Ben was officially a university student; he’d returned from prison determined to move away from his childhood home, and create a new start for himself.He finds happiness in the friends he makes, Callum and Frankie, but life becomes difficult when he finds himself falling for Callum.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Paul Coker/Ben Mitchell, Whitney Dean/Callum "Halfway" Highway
Comments: 34
Kudos: 87





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction, and what started out as something short, has turned into 15000+ so far and counting.  
> Most of it is written, so I've decided to bite the bullet, and post chapter one...

As he stood just inside the grounds of his new life, watching his Dad walk back to his car, without so much as a glance back in his direction, he felt a weight being gradually lifted off his shoulders, and as he disappeared out of sight completely, Ben felt lighter than he had in years.

Ben was officially a university student; he’d returned from prison determined to move away from his childhood home, and create a new start for himself. He was going to make the most of it. No turning back. His Dad didn’t know it yet, but he wouldn’t be returning to Walford if he could help it. He was free.

He looked down, a suitcase and a handful of bags pooled around his feet, holding all that could be shown of his first 18 years of life. He allowed himself a smile, as he gazed around him, taking in the sights and sounds of his new home for the year ahead. Terrified, yet excited, for what this place, this new start, had in store.

The university accommodation he'd chosen, Horace Hall, was on the site of an old, world war 2 mental health hospital, located in the middle of a wood, five miles out from the centre of town. Trees were scattered throughout the grounds, albeit smaller than those which made up the woods encircling the grounds. He looked forward to walking through them, thinking about how many stories they could tell, how many memories they held in their branches. He was looking forward to making memories of his own here.

Stone clad buildings surrounded him, each one three stories high, and he couldn’t wait to settle into one of the many rooms that they housed. They were situated around the outside of the grounds, with a large concaved patch of grass in the centre, steps leading down to it and concrete paving splitting it down the centre. Picnic benches had been fitted at intervals around the edge, and the whole area was steadily filling up with students. Bottles of wine and other varieties of alcohol were being passed between them, amidst laughter and shouting. Groups of old friends making new acquaintances, and Ben had an overwhelming desire to join them, to become part of the atmosphere, to feel included.

Glancing back down at his bags, he groaned, quickly realising a flaw in his plan. He still didn’t have the key to his apartment block or new room; he didn’t even know _which_ building was his. He couldn’t carry all his things at once to the office, nor could he leave them where they were unattended. He was stuck.

He flicked his gaze over to where the group had congested on the grass, contemplating whether to ask any of them for help, before quickly dismissing the idea. He didn’t know any of them, didn’t know who to trust. His year in prison had quickly put paid to trusting anyone fully, always ensuring he was aware, always suspicious, of everyone and anyone.

He sank down onto his suitcase, pulling his phone out of his pocket and staring at it; willing it to give him some idea of what to do next. A voice in the back of his head asking why he thought he could do this, reminding him he wasn’t strong enough and that he’d go crawling back. As if the universe could hear his spiralling thoughts, his phone buzzed in his hand; the message it displayed renewing his confidence. He could and would do this.

_Jay: Hope you made it ok bro. Let me no when your settled. This is what you needed to do – you deserve to be yourself and be happy <3 live your life your way. But dont be a stranger! I am here for you always x_

He stared at the screen, vision going blurry, as his thoughts pulled him back to the week before. He’d sat Jay down, needing him to listen, needing him to understand why he had chosen to move so far away. Jay, a man who may not be his brother by blood, but who certainly was in heart, had said he didn’t need to explain, that it was good that he was finally getting away from the pressures that his Dad constantly put on him. But Jay _didn’t_ understand. Not really, and Ben needed to explain who he was to the person who had loved him unconditionally since childhood, who had been there for him as his Dad let him down time and time again, and he had to do it before he left.

It had been harder than he'd wanted it to be, to finally say the words out loud, _I’m gay._ They’d come out strangled, forced into the air. He knew that once they’d been spoken, they could never be taken back. His eyes had been squeezed shut, not wanting to see disappointment and disgust on his brother’s face, knowing that, whilst unlikely, it was still a possible outcome.

Jay had simply pulled him into a hug, whispering in his ear, _it’s okay. I’m always here,_ and he’d cried. Getting the easy acceptance and love that he knew he would never get from his Dad. He was determined to start his life here as an openly proud gay man.

“You alright, mate?”

He stood and span round, jolted back into the present at the sound of an accent that sounded very much like his own.

“Yeah, I…” He stopped himself, thoughts flying out of his mind at the sight of the man stood before him; tall, light brown hair that had been styled into a quiff, and piercing blue eyes that seemed to twinkle. The man exuded an air of kindness that Ben wasn’t sure he’d ever experienced before. He couldn’t stop staring, quickly noticing that the stranger was staring back, unblinking. Ben was sure that even breathing would result in something shattering.

The man eventually coughed, breaking the silence and the unbroken eye contact, Ben let out a breath, as the stranger pointed to Ben’s bags,

“You need any help with those?”

“I… Ben Mitchell,” he held out his hand.

“Oh… Callum. Callum Highway.” Callum reached out his own hand, shaking it quickly, before repeating, “So, did you need any help, or...?”

Ben raised a hand to his mouth, rubbing against his chin as he attempted to compose himself. His skin was still tingling from the contact. Callum was looking at him, eyes bright, and Ben found he was getting lost in them again. He mentally shook himself. He was gay, yes. That didn’t mean he had to fall over himself at the first guy who’d spoken to him. Paul’s face flashed in his mind, and he pushed it away. Now wasn’t the time.

“Sorry, I...” he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “That’d be great, thanks.”

He huffed out a laugh, as Callum smiled at him, free and happy, eyes crinkling at the corners. It wasn’t helping the thoughts that were running through Ben’s brain.

Callum bent down, picking up two of the bags that still lay on the floor,

“Where we taking 'em?” He asked.

“Dunno yet. Only just arrived ain’t I? I need to go register in the Office Building? That’s what my letter said anyway.”

“Oh, follow my lead.” Callum grinned again, and Ben realised he was smiling back, tentatively. He picked up the remaining bags, shoving one on his back and resting the other on top of his suitcase, as he pulled it in the direction Callum was walking.

“This your first year?” Ben wondered, out loud, as he watched Callum navigate his way with ease around the site, seemingly confident in where he was going.

“Nah, second. My girlfriend, Whitney, wanted to stay on here. She's a student lead this year, helping out and getting paid, so I’m stopping wi’ her. There’s a second year flat in each of' the buildings. Any o' you youngsters need help, it’s what we’re there for. What ya studying?”

Ben’s heart plummeted at Callum’s words, _girlfriend._ He pushed the feeling aside. Maybe Callum could be a potential friend. Lord knows he needed more of them. He only really had Jay, and now he was living over 4 hours away from him.

Ben knew he needed the distance from his Dad, and the life he expected Ben to lead, but he was going to miss the person who meant the most to him. _What about Paul?_ His brain supplied, unhelpfully. He urged the thought away.

“Ben?”

He was pulled out of his musings at the sound of his name being called, realising he hadn’t responded to Callum’s question.

“Sorry, miles away. I’m gonna be a drama student me, mate. I’ll gi’ ya my autograph now, and you can sell it for thousands once I’ve made it.” He winked, before he could stop himself, trying to ignore the slight blush that had appeared on Callum’s cheeks. _It means nothing._

“What about you?” He added. “What do you do?”

“Oh, I’m training to be a paramedic. I’ll help with all the lingo when you inevitably become an extra on Casualty!” He grinned at Ben, who couldn’t help but return it with one of his own.

“An extra? I’m offended! Helping people is clearly what you do best though.” He gestured towards the bags Callum was carrying. “Thank you though, mate. Seriously. I don’t know what I’d o’ done if you hadn’t offered.”

Callum turned from where he was slightly ahead of Ben,

“It’s no problem at all. Right, we’re just through here.”

Ben followed Callum through a set of doors into what was clearly an office space, and an extremely long line of students, all stood with an adult of some kind. He felt extremely out of place all of a sudden and, not for the first time, found himself wishing he had a Dad who cared more about him than his reputation. Suddenly feeling awkward in Callum’s company for the first time since they’d met, he felt compelled to give the man an out.

“Erm, thanks, you don’t have to wait. You know, this could take a while. I’m sure you’ve got better things to be doing.”

“O’ course I’ll wait! Can’t leave you to carry all these bags on ya own. We’ve already established I’m the helpful one.” He grinned at Ben, the same one as before, eyes crinkling slightly. Ben's stomach dipped, and he diverted his eyes.

“Thanks.” He said quietly.

They stood in companionable silence as they got closer to the front of the queue; Ben was simply happy for the company, and Callum seemed more than happy to give it. Every now and then, Ben would take his chances, flicking his eyes towards Callum’s, taking in more details. On one occasion, he found Callum staring back and they both pulled their eyes away abruptly, embarrassed to be caught in the act. Ben knew he was on a slippery slope; he could feel the same fluttering in his stomach that he’d only experienced once before, and he was doing his level best to disregard what it meant.

“Can I ask you a question?” Callum asked, as they inched slowly towards the front of the queue. “I don’t want ya to feel like I’m prying or anything, I just… Actually, never mind. It don’t matter.”

“No, go on. Just cos you ask it, don’t mean I’ll answer it!” Ben said, turning in to face Callum properly and smirking.

“I was just wondering, and I know it’s none o’ my business, but did no one come wi’ ya? For the move?”

Ben’s face hardened before he could stop it, could feel his stare turn cold of its own accord.

“Mum’s dead, Dad don’t care. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Ben, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Callum spluttered. Ben sighed, knowing he was being harsh, reverting back to his default mechanism of keeping everyone shut out, staying safe behind a wall of glass. Paul had managed to create cracks in his armour, and he wasn’t going to let it be broken again in a hurry. Yet, he didn’t particularly want to scare Callum away, this man who he had known all of half an hour, yet had shown him more kindness than the majority of people in his life. He raised a hand, stopping Callum mid-speech.

“I didn’t mean… I just don’t wanna talk about it. It’s not important.” He finally offered, resigning himself to the fact Callum had every right to just walk away.

“I shouldn’t o’ asked. I’ve only known ya two minutes. It’s got nothin’ do wi’ me. Forget I said anything, but if it makes ya feel any better, same here. No idea where my mum is to be honest, and a Dad who don’t care, I can properly say I know the feeling.”

Ben nodded, thankful that he’d finally reached the front of the queue and he could escape the scrutiny of Callum’s gaze.

He registered with the woman behind the counter quickly, giving his name and date of birth, and being passed an envelope with his name printed on the front in return.

“All details are inside the envelope, do you need a map?” The woman spoke in a bored tone, face indicating she’d rather be anywhere else than doing what she was currently doing. Ben's thoughts returned to Callum,

“All good, I appear to have found my own personal tour guide.”

“Wonderful. If you need anything else, come back here. Any of us will be happy to help.” Ben wasn’t so sure she would be, but thought better of pointing that out.

“Thanks.” He muttered instead, as he returned to where Callum was stood waiting for him, staring at him expectantly.

“Well,” he asked, with a sense of urgency, “where you been given?”

“Erm, she didn’t say, one sec.” He ripped open the envelope, retrieving the key that was inside, and reading the label on the keyring, “Block D, Flat 3, Room 4.”

Callum’s face broke into an even wider grin,

“Brilliant!” He declared, “you get to be my next-door neighbour for the next year! The second year flat is Flat 4.”

Ben couldn’t decide whether the news was _brilliant_ or something akin to torture. He followed Callum back through the grounds, taking in everything around him, as Callum waved his arms in various directions, pointing out where certain buildings were on site,

“The shop and main reception, where you can collect any post you get, is where you originally came in by, and where I found you. Then over there, is the nightclub, BB-Bar, don’t ask where it got its name cos I have no idea! Then there’s also a little cafe that only opened end of last year, so I ain’t been yet, that’s over there but we’re going this way.”

He turned mid speech, heading towards a building that Ben could clearly see bore a large 'D'. Callum stopped when they reached the main door to the building,

“You should have a key fob and a key on your keyring? Fob is for this door, key opens the flat and your room.” He took a step back, “after you!”

Letting them in, he followed Callum up a flight of stairs, to the first floor, which housed two separate flats, clearly indicated by a large brass 3 and 4.

“Welcome home!” Callum grinned, Ben was beginning to think the grin was as permanent a feature on Callum’s face, as a scowl was on his own.

With a deep breath, he unlocked the door to his flat, trepidation running through his veins. This was it; this is where he would spend his year, living, working, eating, sleeping. He stopped short of opening the door, not sure whether he was ready for this after all. If anyone found out about his past, about his time locked up... He vaguely heard Callum say his name, the sound filtering through as if he was underwater, his breath becoming uneven.

“Ben, are you okay?” He felt Callum’s hand touch tentatively on his shoulder. He tilted his head slightly to look up at him.

“I can’t do this.” He whispered. “I’m not… I can’t…”

“Ben. Ben. It’s alright to feel worried. This, it’s a big thing. I remember I was the same last year, but you get used to everything. I promise. Let’s just get inside, into your room. Then you can decide what you want to do next.”

Ben nodded, finally pushing it open, blinking against the tears that were threatening to fall. A voice that sounded suspiciously like his Dad’s echoing in his head, reprimanding him for _being soft._

He let himself into a corridor that had four doors all on the wall opposite him, numbers one to four engraved into the centre, to his left there was a door that led into the kitchen, and next to that the shared living room. All was quiet and he let out a sigh of relief, needing time to settle himself; there was plenty of time to meet his new flatmates. He heard the flat door shut behind him, feeling all the more grateful to have Callum there. Callum gently pushed him forwards, pointing towards the room four, at the far end of the corridor. Ben nodded, making his way towards it.

The room was small, but it was his. A single bed was pressed against the wall, with a door leading to small shower and toilet to his right. Opposite stood a small wardrobe and chest of drawers. There was a desk, with a single window above it, which looked out onto the concaved grass. It was overflowing with students now and Ben wondered if he should ask Callum to join him there later. He wanted to become part of this new adventure, leave his worries behind and embrace the experience. It wasn’t much, but it was his, and his Dad was nowhere to be seen.

He sank down onto the bed with a sigh, turning to Callum, who was still stood in his doorway,

“I think it’s going to be okay.” He grinned, feeling his earlier anxiety begin to fade. Callum beamed back, eyes twinkling,

“Told ya. Now, what dya want to sort first?”

Ben looked at him in confusion, shaking his head in question.

“Your bags? Which first?”

“Callum, you don’t...”

“You can’t do all this by yaself, Ben. Two hands are better than one, and the quicker we get it sorted, the quicker you can go have some fun, meet some fellow freshers. Right?”

Ignoring the disappointment he felt towards the latter half of Callum’s speech, Ben huffed out a laugh. He wasn’t sure he wanted to meet fellow freshers; he was enjoying the company of the man in front of him.

“How did I manage to meet the nicest bloke on campus?” Ben said, mainly to himself, trying to push down the rhetoric he’d learnt throughout childhood, throughout his time in prison, that kindness was a weakness.

Callum responded with a laugh of his own, a sound which made Ben's stomach swoop.

“I can’t leave ya on ya own, and Whit will be helping whoever she needs to help, so ya stuck wi' me I’m afraid.”

Ben didn’t think that was going to be a problem.

*****

An hour later, and Ben's room was beginning to look more like it actually belonged to him. Photos of himself and Jay at various stages of their friendship, and of a younger him with his mum and Gran, before they died, were placed on various walls, a poster of London was stuck on his door, the one reminder he'd allowed himself of the city where he grew up.

Callum had spent the whole time chatting, telling him secrets of the site they were on that he’d learnt throughout his first year, telling him the best places to go in town, about his course and why he’d chosen to be a paramedic, because he’d seen two paramedics save his best friend’s life when he was at school and he decided there and then he wanted to be like them. Ben didn’t say much, happy to let Callum talk, every now and then asking a question about something that had been said. Callum seemed to pick up on the fact that Ben wasn’t ready or comfortable to give away any information about himself, and refrained from asking him any personal questions. Ben was grateful.

He’d met two of his flatmates, neither of whom had stayed very long, and he wasn’t particularly enamoured with either. A girl called Dotty had arrived, accompanied by her Grandma, who’d left not long after. She’d then introduced herself to Ben with,

“Hi, I’m Dotty, my friend Peter is in Block B, see ya later, yeah?”

Ben was left nodding to the space that she’d quickly vacated, and he and Callum had both shared an incredulous look.

Ten minutes later, a guy called Keegan had shouted through the flat,

“Hi, anyone in? I’m Keegan, I’m gonna get some alcohol, you coming?”

Ben had responded with his name, and declined the offer, sending a glare towards Callum has he started to suggest he’d leave him to it. After Keegan had left, shouting, “laters,” behind him, Ben had turned to Callum, blurting out an excuse of,

“Still got all this stuff to sort ain’t I?”

The thought of saying _goodbye_ to Callum and going with Keegan didn’t appeal to Ben in the slightest. He liked the older man’s company, he hoped Callum was enjoying his too, despite his lack of conversation. Callum had just nodded.

Now, they were almost complete, and Callum rose from where he’d been knelt on the floor shoving Ben’s suitcase under his bed.

“Right, I think we’re sorted!” He grinned at Ben. “Told ya two pair o’ hands were better than one.”

Ben found himself smiling back, again; something about the other man’s smile was infectious.

“So…” Callum muttered, unsure. “I should probably…” He trailed off, signalling towards the door, looking at Ben awkwardly.

“Oh, yeah…” Ben’s face fell, not wanting to keep Callum from his own friends any longer than he already had. “Thanks, for helping.”

“Yeah.” Callum’s response came quietly, as he slowly walked out of the room, “see ya around, Ben.”

As he disappeared from view, Ben felt his heart sink, something deep within him telling him he was making a mistake. An urgency rose within him, a voice in his head surging him forwards, _don’t be stupid, don’t let him leave._ The complete opposite to the feelings he had watching his Dad walk away.

“Wait!” He burst out from the door of his room, just as Callum opened the flat door at the end opposite end of the corridor. Callum hesitated, before turning.

“Look. I know you’re second year, and probably don’t want a fresh-faced newbie hanging round ya, but you’re the first person I’ve met here and…”

“I don’t have many friends.” Callum cut him off, blurting out the confession, as if he had no control over his words, looking sheepish, cheeks flushing pink in embarrassment and Ben insides fluttered. “There’s Whit, and Tina, on my course, but she’s older and has her own group of friends, and so it ain’t like we’re that close and… What I mean is… It’d be nice to have you hanging around.”

He dropped his gaze to the floor, as Ben stopped in front of him.

“Sorry, I speak too much.”

“Nah, I just don’t talk enough.” Ben laughed, feeling a strange sense of happiness floating through him, as Callum’s face turned to one of determination,

“BB opens at 7, the club I pointed out earlier. It’s 5 now, ya wanna get some frozen pizza from the shop here, then go grab a few drinks?”

Ben bit back a smile, nodding, accepting the offer, thoughts of joining the other first years outside forgotten, _yeah, that didn’t sound like a bad idea._

*****

By the time Ben and Callum arrived back at the flat, carrying bags of pizza and beer, laughter and chatter could be heard from the kitchen. A girl with strawberry blonde hair, made into two French plaits, was facing away from them, talking to who Ben assumed were her parents. She was gesturing wildly with her hands, Ben instantly recognising the movements as sign language,

“I can’t wait to start, it’s going to…” She stopped, as the woman she was with pointed in their direction, alerting her to Ben and Callum’s presence. She turned, beaming at them with a smile almost as wide as Callum’s. Ben’s eyes were instantly drawn to the polaroid camera hanging around her neck.

“Hi, I’m Frankie!” She said, signing again. Ben had learnt some basic sign in prison, was told it would look good on his record, and he’d have done anything to get out of there as soon as possible.

“Ben.” He signed back, and her eyes grew wide in surprise, as he noticed Callum’s head turn quickly look at him, with something akin to awe on his face, out of the corner of his eye. Ben turned to him eyebrow raised, before directing his attention back to Frankie,

“I’m deaf too. I only know a little sign though.” He knew it wasn’t signed perfectly, yet he could tell his attempts were appreciated by the way her face lit up in happiness. She instantly took a photo of him, the flash making him in blink and he wasn’t convinced it’d end up being the most flattering photo of him. She turned on Callum as she waved the print she had just taken in the air,

“And you are?” Ben liked her, straight, blunt and to the point.

“Sorry! I’m Callum, I live next door though, second year flat, I’m just here helping Ben.”

“Say cheese!” She took a photo of him too, smile firmly on his face and Ben glared,

“How come he got advance warning?” He directed at Frankie, who shrugged,

“He ain’t got a grumpy face like you, Grumpy Cat!” She grinned at him, cheekily. “Want to get natural shots, for the scrap book, first day at uni memories!”

Callum and Frankie laughed, and in that moment, despite the scowl on his face to hide the fact, Ben felt more at home than he ever had at his Dad’s.

“Frankie, be kind!” the woman said, after touching Frankie gently on the shoulder to gain her attention. “Did you want us to go?”

Frankie apologised to Ben, fist circling against her heart, whilst pulling a face at him, indicating she wasn’t sorry at all. Ben grinned back in approval.

“No. Sorry.” She said to the woman she was with. “This is my Mum and Dad. It’s Mum’s fault I take all these photos, she gave me my first camera at the age of three!”

Her Mum held her hands up,

“Guilty as charged!” She laughed, placing an arm around Frankie’s shoulders, “I’m a photographer, and our little Frankie here caught the bug.”

Ben felt a tug of jealousy stir deep within him, that Frankie had parents who cared, who helped her forge a hobby, encouraged her to do the things she wanted to do. His Mum had done that for him, once upon a time, but that had been a long time ago.

“We’re going to make some food, then go to the club on site here in a bit, if you want to join us?” Callum said, looking between Ben and Frankie. Ben nodded,

“Yeah, you should!”

“I’m off out for food now, with these two before they disappear and stop cramping my style.” Frankie grinned again, looking at both her parents, sticking her tongue out at them. “But I’ll meet you at the club later, sounds fun. Erm, give me your number, I’ll text when I’m back?”

After they’d all exchanged numbers, and Frankie and her parents left, Ben shoved the pizzas in the oven. He sat at the kitchen table with Callum, drinks in hand.

“I didn’t realise you were deaf?” Callum said. “Do you have a hearing aid? Sorry! I’m asking questions again.”

“Nah, it’s fine. Always been deaf, as long as I can remember. Had meningitis as a baby.” He pulled his hearing aid out of his ear, holding it out to show Callum, before replacing it again. “Got this tiny thing, can’t really see it unless ya know what ya looking for, but it does its job. I learnt a bit o' sign in p... erm, in school but only the basics.”

He stood as the oven timer beeped, relieved he could escape for a second, reminding himself to be more careful with what he said. He placed the pizzas onto the table, returning to his previous position opposite Callum.

“Feel like a proper student now.” Ben said, taking a bite.

“I usually cook my own stuff.” Callum offered. “I love it, always have, used to be my escape when my Dad were getting drunk in front of the TV. I’d just stay in the kitchen, cooking away. I live wi’ Whitney and her two friends now, already said I’d cook most nights. You’re welcome to come and join us, you and Frankie, whenever you like. It’ll be nice.”

Ben stared, in awe that Callum had given away such a big part of his life with ease. He wanted to return the favour, tell Callum something about his life with his Dad, about his reasons for moving so far away, but he wasn’t ready, couldn’t make his mouth say the words. Instead, he went with,

“I’m sorry, about your Dad. Once I stopped caring about mine, it made life a lot easier. They’re just blokes who got our Mum’s pregnant… And count me in for Cooking with Callum!”

Callum’s grin returned, bright and cheerful as ever. Ben never wanted to let that smile go.

*****

It was gone midnight, and Ben and Frankie were drunk. Callum had stopped drinking hours ago and had started avoiding Ben’s eye the minute Whitney and her friends, Ruby and Stacey, had arrived at the club. Ben was frustrated, and had given up trying to work out what was going on with him, instead choosing to drink more than he probably should. Thankfully, Frankie thought it was a brilliant idea and had joined him in his endeavour to try all the different flavour shots on offer at the bar.

Right now, Ben had no idea where Callum had got to. He was trying to convince himself he didn’t care, but he wasn’t so sure it was working. Thoughts of Paul were swimming in his mind, and he missed him more than he wanted to admit. Callum was spinning round in there too, faint, far away, but there nonetheless. Ben was dancing with Frankie on the dance floor, whilst maintaining some pretty impressive eye contact with a blonde-haired guy who was stood at the corner, leant against a speaker, in an attempt to block both men from taking over his thoughts.

“I’m just gonna…” He stopped, remembering she was struggling to hear him with the music blaring out around them, instead pointing and signing,

“Good looking man over there.” He could feel his heart pounding as he signed the words, realising that, besides Jay, Frankie was now the only other person he’d come out to, and he hadn’t really done it properly. It didn’t occur to him just how much he was counting on her approval, until it came in the form of the wide grin she sent his way, signing,

“Good choice,” back at him, with a wink. He nodded at her, in thanks, as she pushed him away towards where Blondie was stood.

“Fresh start,” he whispered to himself.

“Hey,” Blondie said, as Ben approached, pushing himself upright.

Ben smirked, faking a confidence he wasn’t sure he truly felt,

“Noticed you staring. I’m Ben.”

“Jonny,” came the reply. “Fancy a dance?”

Ben looked him up and down, as Jonny returned the favour,

“Like what you see?” Ben asked.

“Most definitely.”

“Then, yeah, let’s dance.”

Jonny’s hand immediately found his, pulling him towards the dance floor, before his hands were at Ben's waist. Despite not feeling any of the same attraction to Jonny as he had with Paul, _or Callum,_ his brain provided, Ben hadn’t experienced anything like this before. He had never danced openly with another man, never allowed himself to show approval of another man, in public, in front of people who may judge him. He felt a sense of freedom rush through him, and he lost himself in the moment, hands reaching upwards to wrap around Jonny’s shoulders. He felt hands at the small of his back pull him closer, and as Jonny bent his head to capture his lips in a kiss, he allowed it to happen, refusing to let the voice in his head take this moment away from him.

As they parted, Ben’s first sight was of Callum, behind Jonny, staring at him from across the dance floor, eyes wide. He didn’t look happy, and Ben’s heart sank.

“I’ll just be a minute.” He muttered, shifting himself out of Jonny’s arms and making his way to where Callum stood.

“Callum.”

“You… Erm… You… You’re gay?” Callum spluttered at him, face red, and not in the way that Ben had found so endearing earlier in the day. Ben’s demeanour hardened, eyes glinting, mouth tight. He couldn’t be in the closet here. He didn’t want to be. He’d promised Paul, through tears; he’d live his life openly here, away from his Dad.

“Yeah. That gonna be a problem?” He said, willing his voice to remain steady, to not give away how much he wanted, needed, Callum to accept him. Callum’s eyes appeared to go even wider, a horrified look forming on his face,

“No! Honestly, no. I just… I wasn’t… I… I didn’t realise that’s all.”

Ben felt himself deflate with relief, letting out a breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding, eyes softening slightly,

“Sorry. My Dad… He doesn’t know.” He let out a sigh. “There’s no way he’d accept it, accept this part of me. It’s one of the reasons I moved here. I need to be me. Clean slate. I need my friends here to know, to understand, to not care.”

Ben sensed his heart skip a beat, as Callum took hold of his hand, staring earnestly at him.

“I get it. Sort of. As I said, My Dad made my childhood hell. I accept you, Ben. We’re friends, right?”

Ben only realised he was crying when he felt the tears, wet on his cheeks, nodding, unable to form words. When he turned back to the dance floor, Jonny was gone, but Ben had gained so much more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploading this because it's finished, and to stop me changing everything I've already written!  
> There'll be a longer wait for the next two chapters as they aren't fully written! - the next two chapters will be similar in length to chapter one too, this one is shorter!

Freshers week flew by in a blur. With only the weekend to go before uni started, Ben was planning to spend the weekend in town; drink his nerves away, spend his nights lost in some stranger. He knew Callum wouldn’t join him, had refused the clubs in town every time he’d asked.

However, it had somehow become an unspoken agreement; during the day, Ben, Frankie and Callum would do something together, watch a film, wander round the town, Callum taking them on guided tours around his favourite areas, Frankie taking candid photos which now littered his bedroom walls. His favourite of the photos she’d taken was one of him and Callum. Callum laughing freely at something Ben had said, hand on Ben's shoulder, with his head tipped back in delight. Ben looking up at him, unguarded smile on his face. It was the only one he hadn’t put on display, it showed too much of the _him_ he tried to hide from the world.

In the evening, they’d go back to Callum’s flat and he’d cook for them, Whitney, Ruby and Stacey. Ben kept this up because he wanted to spend as much time with Callum as possible; the atmosphere always changed once Whitney arrived though. Callum would become more tense, and the guard around Ben that Callum and Frankie were able to pull loose, instantly tightened. Everything became that little more awkward, like Whitney suspected him of something. It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t as enjoyable as the rest of the day.

As soon as night hit, he and Frankie would head into town. Frankie, it turned out, was bisexual, and had been true to herself since she was sixteen. She was more than happy to join Ben, and the pair of them usually ended up at the local gay bar, The Union.

He didn’t understand how he felt so comfortable with his two new friends, especially after knowing them for such a short space of time, but he wasn’t questioning it. He was still careful, of course he was, he hadn’t grown up in the environment he had without having a massive filter in his head, sorting through everything he did and said, but he was happy. There was no other word for it.

“I’m glad to hear it, mate,” Jay said, from the other end of the phone. “I can’t wait to come up and see ya. It’s only been a week and as much as I miss ya... Tell no one I said that...

Ben laughed, humming sarcastically in response.

“Seriously though, Ben, I can already sense you’re feeling more relaxed, more yourself. I’m happy for you.”

“I’m missing you too, mate.” Ben replied, quietly. “Thanks Jay, honestly. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“Always, bro. Always. Love ya. I’ve gotta get back to work, but speak to ya soon, yeah?”

“Definitely.” Ben agreed, as the phone line went dead. Ben smiled to himself, always happy to hear Jay’s voice, thankful for his phone ringtone sounding again almost instantly, breaking the silence, before he could start thinking too much about the life he had left behind.

“Callum.”

“How did you... Never mind.”

Ben laughed, Callum asking the same question every time Ben answered the phone with his name,

“Your name comes up on the screen. How many times?”

“Yeah, alright, shut up.” He could hear the grin behind Callum’s words, could picture the creasing of his clear blue eyes.

“So, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Well, it’s the last day of Freshers, and you ain’t been to the Freshers Fair yet at uni, thought that could be our trip today, what dya reckon?”

“Sounds good to me, mate. I’ll grab Frankie and we’ll meet you outside in half hour?”

“See you then!”

Ben ended the call, heart beating hard in his chest, as it always did at Callum’s voice. He was getting used to it now, this dull ache, an itch he couldn’t scratch, feelings that could never be acted on. Plenty of other rainbow fish in the sea, he didn’t want to get tied down anyway. He’d tried it with Paul; it had only ripped his heart out when it inevitably ended.

Dragging himself out of his bedroom and down the hall to Frankie’s room, he pressed the button she’d been allowed to install; a light would flash in her room, alerting her, rather than a knock she wouldn’t hear.

“Come in, Grumpy Cat!” Ben rolled his eyes, smiling at the nickname she had bestowed on him since that first meeting, hardly ever calling him anything else.

“It could have been anyone out here, you could have been calling one of our lovely flatmates, Grumpy.”

She looked at him, face blank, eyes narrowed,

“I admire your sarcasm, idiot.” She tapped the side of her head twice with her fist, and Ben grinned. Neither of them had seen Dotty and Keegan since the first day, and from first impressions, neither of them had any desire to.

“Callum phoned, said we’d meet him outside in about half an hour, he’s taking us to the Freshers Fair.”

“Sounds good. We going out later?”

“Of course, Union? Need to find myself a distraction from life.”

She grinned at him,

“Course you do. Just...”

“Don’t leave without you. I would never! See you in 20, gonna get ready.” He blew her kiss as he left, not missing the finger she flipped him in return.

Twenty minutes later, and all three of them were on the bus ride into the centre of town. If there was one minor regret Ben had, it was choosing accommodation that was so far out from the rest of civilization. The thought of having to do this bus ride every morning to get to uni wasn’t really something he was looking forward to.

“Ya get used to it.” Callum promised. “It becomes second nature after a while.”

“Yeah, but you’re unnaturally chirpy in a morning.” Ben protested, simultaneously gesturing between himself and Frankie, “We like our sleep.”

Frankie faked a yawn, leaning her head on Ben’s shoulder,

“Night.”

He winked down at her, and Callum shook his head, laughing, as the bus pulled up and the students around them piled off.

As Frankie and Ben followed Callum through a back street, Ben realised it would be his first time on campus since he’d convinced Jay to join him on a weekend trip up North, so that he could go to their open day.

Excitement, mixed with apprehension, bubbled up inside him; the whole experience was bringing out emotions he’d never encountered before. Every now and then, particularly when he was alone at night, after Frankie had gone to bed, and the stranger in his bed had disappeared, he’d feel a loneliness creep up in his chest. The closed door reminding him of being locked inside his cell, and there had been a couple of times over the past week that he’d had to prop the door open whilst he slept, grateful that he was at the far end of the corridor. He wished he could tell his friends about it, but he knew it was words he could never take back, and he didn’t want them to look at him differently, with fear or disgust in their eyes. _There were some things that needed to remain a secret._

“You okay, Ben?” Ben was pulled out of his thoughts by Callum appearing at his side, constantly astute to Ben's ever-changing mood.

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Just nervous about Monday, I guess.”

“Don’t be! You’ll meet a whole host of new friends, trust me. They’ll love ya.” Callum squeezed his hand, a simple gesture meant to make him feel better, yet only leading to goose bumps shooting up his arm and butterflies fluttering in his stomach.

“Maybe. Thanks, Callum.” He said, softly. Being Callum’s friend was torture, yet the kind he would subject himself to over and over again.

*****

“You two want a drink before we head back?” Callum asked, after they’d wandered round all the stalls, each of them now loaded up with bags full of free stationery and food that had been handed out to them as they passed. “On me.”

Ben’s protestations were cut off by Callum waving him away,

“Seriously, my treat… You two, this week… It’s everything I wanted last year and didn’t get…”

“Coffee for me, I’ll take it even if Grumpy Cat won’t” Frankie spoke at his side, grinning at him, tongue poking out from between her teeth.

“I can take anything, thanks, I give it sometimes too.” He winked at Frankie, who scoffed, shaking her head, in complete contrast to Callum, who shuffled his feet awkwardly, cheeks turning red.

“Ben! D’ya have to? Are you having a drink?”

Ben smirked, loving the effect his jokes always had on Callum. He may be older, but Callum was definitely a lot more innocent than he was, especially after the week he’d had.

“Sorry, sorry, coffee please, if you’re sure.”

Callum nodded, looking grateful to get away, heading towards the drinks stall. Frankie turned to Ben, as they sat at one of the small circular tables scattered around,

“Do you have to wind him up all time?” She indicated towards Callum. “I know you do it on purpose…”

“It’s funny!” Ben laughed. “He knows I don’t mean it… He’s already said how much he’s loved this week.”

She looked at him, narrowing her eyes,

“Hmm… Just don’t go too far.”

Ben held up his hands,

“I would never…”

“You’d never what?” Callum asked, appearing behind drinks in hand.

Frankie smirked in his direction, as Ben glared at her, not wanting to tell him the true context of their conversation.

“Kiss and tell.” He said to Callum instead, who rolled his eyes at Ben, distracted from what he was doing. Misjudging where he was placing the drinks, one of the cups he held in his hand fell to the floor. The lid flew off, coating his shoes and jeans in liquid. He stood, frozen in shock, staring down at his feet, looking up at them in horror, and then Frankie began to laugh. Despite trying to stifle it, Ben, unable to stop himself, had soon joined Frankie in trying to hide his laughter behind his hands. Callum sat down, brushing at his jeans and grabbing a napkin from the table, bending down to wipe his shoes.

“Guys. It’s not…”

Both Frankie and Ben laughed harder, unrestrained, holding their stomachs, and before long, Callum dissolved into his own hysterics. Ben couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so hard, the kind where tears were rolling down his cheeks. He wasn’t sure he ever had, maybe with Jay, in another time before things went wrong. He gasped for breath, stomach hurting, in an attempt to stop, and he caught Callum’s eye. He felt a pull in his chest, saw Callum’s eyes flicker with something other than mirth through his tears, and their laughter faltered. Remembering where they were, Ben turned his attention back to the table, clearing his throat, _it meant nothing._

“So, who’s drink did you manage to lose?” He pressed his lips together tightly, stopping the laugh that was bubbling to escape again, releasing it in a snort.

“Yeah, ok, it was my own. I’m going to get another.”

Ben reached for his own drink, taking a sip, watching Callum’s retreating form, wishing he could forget the way his new best friend made him feel.

*****

“You sure you don’t wanna come wi’ us?” Ben asked, later, finishing eating and placing his knife and fork on his plate. Ben and Frankie had enjoyed their usual meal at Callum’s flat, conversation stilted by the appearance of Whitney. It was like Callum had two personalities. His true self, the person he was with Ben and Frankie, and this shadow of himself, who retreated behind a screen when Whitney appeared. It was a mystery Ben was determined to solve, and he was currently in the middle of his usual routine of trying to convince Callum to join them on their night out.

“Nah, you know it ain’t my scene. I’m all good here. Me and Whit, we’re gonna have a quiet night in.” He kissed her forehead, bending awkwardly, strange smile on his face that dulled the usual spark in his eyes. He winced slightly, as she leant into the touch. Ben felt his teeth clench at the action, unconvinced, as always, by Callum’s excuse; wanting to remind him that BB’s had been his idea the first night, _so he couldn’t have been that against going to a nightclub_. He’d had to remind himself multiple times that he’d only known the other man a week, despite it feeling like they’d known each other forever.

“Looks like it’s just us two then, Grumpy Cat.” Frankie said, whilst signing, ‘leave it,’ in Ben’s direction.

Ben nodded,

“Your loss.” He winked at Callum, getting the reaction he was looking for, a blush appearing on his cheeks, as Whitney tutted.

“See ya later, sweet cheeks.” He smirked, following Frankie out of the kitchen.

Hearing Whitney say his name as Frankie opened the flat door, he signed ‘wait’, catching the door before it closed.

“Leave it, Whit.” Callum said, tired.

“I don’t know why you insist on keeping him around. There’s something about him, he’s bad news.”

“I said, leave it.” Callum’s footsteps grew louder, and Ben left, slamming the flat door behind him, not caring if they knew they’d been heard.

Rather than going straight out, as planned, Frankie pulled him by the arm into their own flat.

“My Grumpy Cat is looking extra grumpy…” She said, turning towards him. Linking her arm in his, she led him into the living room, sitting them both down on the sofa. “Right, before we go anywhere, what was that about, Ben?”

“Whitney. She don’t like me. I heard her, telling Callum I’m bad news.” He stood, feeling the anger brewing, trying to keep it from boiling over, not wanting to scald Frankie with his temper, knowing how volatile he could become.

“ _She_ knows nothing about me.” His voice rising, pointing in the direction of the other flat.

“Ben. Ben! What did Callum say?” Frankie stood, holding his arms, squeezing them in a gesture of comfort.

“Hmm?”

“What did Callum say?”

“He told her to leave it.” Ben deflated with the realisation, and Frankie pulled him into a hug.

“See, nothing to worry about. Idiot.” She tapped her fist twice against his forehead, before creating a space between them again, giving her room to sign freely. “Callum’s your friend. Don’t worry about it.”

He circled his fist against his heart, before touching his chin and aiming his fingers towards her, _sorry, thank you._

She smiled at him,

“Right, then, Grumpy Cat, let’s go get wasted, forget about silly girlfriends, and find your eye candy for the night.”

Anger fully evaporated now, he laughed,

“That sounds like the best plan.”

*****

When Ben opened his eyes the next morning, he instantly closed them again, the beams of the slowly rising sun through the open curtains sending shockwaves through his already pounding skull. He needed water and tablets, and he needed to sleep the day away. He seriously hoped Frankie was suffering as much as he was, _he was never drinking again_.

He slowly opened his eyes again, wincing against the light, confusion, and then remorse washing over him, as the room came into view. This wasn’t his bedroom; this wasn’t his bed. The events of the previous night came rushing back. Turning his head slowly to the side, his fears were confirmed; he wasn’t alone.

He’d bumped into Jonny in the Union. They’d continued where they’d left off at BB’s. He hadn’t made it back to his own room. He’d never done this before, spent the night, not since Paul, and he was already regretting it. A taste of something sour in his mouth.

He slowly swung his legs off the bed, sitting up, elbows on knees, resting his head in his hands. He sighed, quietly, praying that Jonny would remain asleep. He rubbed his hands backwards through his hair. Locating his boxers, jeans and shirt from their various positions, scattered across the floor, he dressed quickly, carrying his shoes and ensuring his phone and wallet were still in his pockets. He replaced his hearing aid, as he made his way to the door,

“Leaving without saying goodbye?”

He stilled from his position, grimacing and spinning slowly,

“Yeah, look, sorry, I…”

“I’m kidding, it was fun, nothing else.”

“Yeah.”

“See ya around, Ben.”

Ben nodded,

“I’m gonna…” He jerked his thumb behind him, towards the door,

Jonny laughed, before rolling over, signalling the end of the conversation, and Ben turned with relief, leaving the room behind him. Once outside the door, Ben felt he could breathe again, replacing his shoes and heading down into the grounds.

It was still early, the sun only just beginning to make an appearance above the trees. It was peaceful, despite his pulsing hangover. Wispy clouds were sprinkled across a sky that was various shades of pastel blue, orange and pink. He wished Frankie were here with her camera to take a picture, his phone not doing the sight justice. He wished Callum were here, for no other reason than to share the experience. He wished his head wasn’t sending waves of nausea every time he took a step so he could appreciate the sight properly.

Finally arriving back at his block, he was looking forward to getting back into bed and sleeping the day away. He wasn’t expecting to hear his name as he unlocked his flat door, gulping against the regret, closing his eyes on a breath. He turned,

“You alright, Callum? What you doing up?” His voice sounding strange, even to himself.

“I’m on placement today, working ain’t I? Where you been? You ain’t just getting in? Where’s Frankie?” The last sentence came out in a hurry, clearly worried.

“Don’t panic, I made sure she got home last night. I was… I’ve been…” The words stuck in his throat.

“Ah, I get it.” Callum stopped him, staring down at his feet, a dark look passing over his face, gone before Ben could analyse it too much. “Look, erm, just… I know you heard, yesterday, what Whit was saying. Ben, I don’t think that… You know that, right?”

“Yeah, it’s fine...”

“I mean it, Ben,” Callum looked at him, an intensity behind his gaze. “I don't think that at all.”

He hummed a generic response, gesturing towards his flat, wanting this conversation to end, wanting to disappear. Feeling guilty that Callum only knew parts of him, the bad stuff still an unopened box, making his headache stronger. _You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew the truth about me._

“I need to... Hangover...”

“Oh.” Callum’s eyes grew wide. “Oh, sorry, yeah, I’ll erm... I’ll see ya when I’m back? We can watch a film or something?”

Ben just nodded, awkward in a way he hadn’t been around Callum since the day they’d met.

“I… Yeah, see ya later.”

He disappeared inside the flat, leaving Callum behind, leaning his head back against the closed door once he was inside, unable to shake the feelings of guilt and shame that had settled deep in his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't decide where to cut this off, and changed my mind multiple times.  
> I'm hoping the place I finally decided works okay!

A fortnight had passed since Callum and Ben had met in the hallway after his night out, and Ben hadn’t heard from Callum since. No text asking about a film, no knock on the flat door asking to hang out. He knew Callum was working stupid hours, learning on the job, but the lack of contact was beginning to frustrate him. It would be easy for Ben to just focus on his friendship with Frankie, make new friends on his course, look back on Freshers week fondly, but something was holding him back. He refused to name the _something_ but deep down he knew what it was.

“At least it explains why Callum didn’t have many friends when we met him! If he just judges people if they happen to have some bedroom fun after a night out.” Ben was ranting at Frankie, who was clearly trying her best to remain patient, if the way she was constantly rolling her eyes at him was anything to go by.

“Have you messaged _him_?” Frankie burst out, obviously judging him as he reluctantly shook his head; her hands signed quickly, highlighting her frustration. “There you go then, Grumpy Cat. He’s probably sat in his flat, stressing about you, too.”

She made a strangled noise, moving closer to him and poking him in the shoulder.

“Ow!”

“You know what, I’m fed up of you two idiots. I know he is, cos he told me.”

She threw her hands up in the hair in exasperation. Ben glared, nostrils flaring,

“You’ve spoken to him?”

She looked at him, disparagingly,

“Yes, he’s my friend too. And he’s embarrassed. He doesn’t want things to be awkward cos the last time he saw you, you were coming back from doing... God knows what! But you’re both making things _more_ awkward by not talking. You’re as bad as each other, Grumpy Cat. Go and see him, and leave me in peace. I have work to do.” She stormed out, ending the conversation, and leaving Ben gaping wildly into the empty kitchen.

“Right...” He let out on a breath, for his own benefit. “Stop being an idiot.”

He rose from the table, exiting the flat and knocking on Callum’s front door, before he could think any better of it.

“Ben?” Callum opened the door, confusion etched on his features.

“Look, I ain’t good at apologies so this ain’t one really, but I should have messaged ya. I was just... I’d have preferred it if you hadn’t seen me that morning.”

Callum breathed out a sigh of relief, tentative grin appearing on his face.

“I’m glad you’re here. I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to avoid ya, it was…” He shrugged, looking down at his feet. “Yeah... Come in?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’d like that.” Ben said, feeling reassured, and the tension he’d been holding seemed to drain away.

“You want a drink?” Callum asked, as Ben followed him into the kitchen, sitting down at the table.

Ben declined, Callum sitting opposite him, studying him for a second, then exclaiming,

“You wear glasses!”

Ben reached up, touching the frames, realising in his haste, he’d forgotten to put his contacts in,

“Ah, yeah, just mornings and before bed, after I take the contacts out.” He pulled them off his face, embarrassed, taunts from years gone by echoing in his head.

Callum held his hand out, not quite touching Ben, fingertips ghosting against his forearm, sending shivers down Ben's spine.

“Leave 'em. They suit ya. Bring out the kindness in your eyes”

Ben glanced at him, brow furrowed, head tilted slightly to one side,

“Callum Highway, are you flirting with me?” He winked, smirking, joking, whilst it felt like fireworks had been set alight in his stomach.

“I... no... I just...” Callum spluttered, while Ben laughed, forcing the sound out, as his insides settled back to the distant ache he'd become accustomed to.

“I’m just joking, Callum. I’ve missed your reactions... Anyway, did no one ever tell ya kindness is a weakness.”

“You can’t mean that?” Callum asked, incredulous.

Ben shook his head, shrugging,

“Maybe a little.”

“Well, if you really thought that, we wouldn’t be friends, would we?” Callum smiled at him. “Just so you know, I’m here to listen, if you ever decide you want to talk, about... About anything.”

Ben didn’t dare look up to meet Callum's eyes, scared that his own would give too much away, and the air appeared to grow thicker around him, squeezing him.

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Ben felt Callum's ankle graze against his, fleetingly, under the table, and he sucked in a breath.

He gulped, jumping in surprise when a second later, Callum slapped his legs, instantly releasing the strain in the air, and allowing Ben to breathe properly again. 

“Right, how about I get us a beer, we go put some shit TV on, and you can tell me how your first two weeks have gone?” Callum asked, a little too quickly.

Ben stood, with a nod,

“Sounds good. And you can update me on any weird and wacky patients you’ve had to treat!”

Ben stared at Callum’s back as he grabbed their beers from the fridge, convincing himself the touch was accidental; anything other than that would be a minefield he wasn’t ready to explore.

*****

It was a month into term and Ben was up to his eyes in uni work. He’d realised very early on that he was never going to be a model student, no matter how much he’d started with the best of intentions. There were just so many other things he could be doing instead, like eating, drinking, pulling fit blokes, and annoying Frankie.

He also realised that Callum was the complete opposite. He had to be, really, considering what he was studying. He was on placement a lot of the time, working weird and wonderful hours. They messaged constantly, Callum always apologising for his work hours and always signing off with, _see this is why I had no friends before you._

Ben was currently like a wound-up spring, needing to be released. Jay was meant to be visiting, but his girlfriend was in hospital, meaning he’d had to postpone. Ben refused to admit how upset he was. Instead, he was stood at Frankie’s open door, trying to convince her to join him on the uni pub crawl. The work load that was piling up could wait. He was missing his brother, and seriously needed to drown his sorrows.

“Frankie…. Come on, please!” He moaned.

“I’m trying to work, Ben, you know, the reason why we’re here?” She rolled her eyes, but he could see the smile that was itching to come out, knowing he almost had her.

“Yeah, but it’s Carnage ain’t it? And I wouldn’t ask, but Jay can’t get here, and we know Callum ain’t the nightclub type. And the whole point o’ being a first year is to go out. Get drunk. Cram all ya work in at the last minute. Go to lectures hungover. We’ve gotta get the whole _rounded_ experience, ain’t we?”

She sighed, and he knew he’d won her over.

“I suppose so… But just…

“Don’t leave without ya. Won’t. Would never.” Ben grinned, throwing a t-shirt at her.

“What’s this?” She held it up, bright orange writing standing out like a beacon against the white background. “I ain’t going if you expect me to where this?”

“Carnage. Like it says. Name of the pub crawl. If you want to get into any of the pubs in town tonight, you need to be wearing _that._ ”

She glared at him,

“Fine. It’s being customised.”

“Well, duh, everyone’s will be.” He said, signing _idiot_ at her. “If you’re not careful, you’ll be the Grumpy Cat.”

Frankie pulled a face, turning back to her laptop.

“I’m choosing to ignore you, and if you want me out at any point tonight, then you need to leave me in peace to finish editing this photo. Go… Phone Callum and annoy him for a bit.”

“I’m gone.” Ben left her, silently cheering that he’d got his way, and dialling Callum’s number as suggested, as he headed back down the corridor.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Ben!” Ben felt his heartbeat pick up.

“Hey.” It came out softer than he intended.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. No. I dunno, Jay had to postpone coming. Was looking forward to him being here.”

“Oh, if you wanted to come round here later, catch up? Try and take ya mind off it? It’s been an age since we did something proper, me, you and Frankie. Could cook for ya, you ain’t been round since Freshers!” He could hear the smile in Callum’s voice. “Whit, Ruby and Stace are off to that pub crawl thing in town, so it’d just be the three o' us.”

“Ah, I’d just convinced Frankie to come Carnage, instead of Jay! Sure she’d prefer to hang out at yours though. It’s been an age, mate. One sec.” He held the phone away from his ear, twisting in the corridor and heading back to Frankie’s room, leaning his head around the doorframe,

“Me again.” He smiled innocently at her, causing her to glare at him, suspicion evident in her facial expression,

“What now?”

He pointed to his phone,

“Callum. Wants to know if we want to go round his later, catch up. Girls are going Carnage so he’s gonna be in an empty flat.”

Frankie squinted at him, shaking her head, face turning amused.

“So, naturally, you don’t want to go carnage anymore?”

He smirked at her, mouth turning up at one corner,

“Obviously not.”

“I’ve got so much work to do, if we ain’t going out, and you have company... I can do it in peace without someone pestering me all the time…” She stuck her tongue out at him. “Tell him I’m sorry, and I’ll see him soon.”

“Aww, Frankie…”

“Grumpy Cat, piss off!” She said, laughing, but clearly said as a hint, as she returned her attention back to her laptop again.

He walked back down the hall again, returning the phone to his ear.

“She said she needs to finish her work, and that she’ll see you soon. You’re stuck wi’ me I’m afraid.”

“Are you sure, Ben?” Callum’s voice sounding uncertain. “I don’t want you changing ya plans cos o’ me?”

“O’ course, I’m sure. It’s been way too long. Frankie’ll be happy she can focus without me there. I’ll run to the shop and get us some drink before I come round. What time dya want me?”

“Whit’s leaving in an hour.”

“See ya then.”

Ben disconnected the call, heading to his room. He would admit to no one that he spent the next hour trying to choose which outfit to wear.

*****

They’d somehow ended up at BB’s. Callum suggesting it, saying it would be fun, but looking at Callum’s face, Ben wasn’t so sure.

“You alright?” Ben shouted, leaning in so he could be heard over the music. “We can go if you want?”

Callum squinted, placing his hand on Ben’s shoulder; his breath skimmed across Ben’s neck, making the hairs stand on end. Ben became very conscious of their close proximity.

“Can we go outside?”

Ben nodded, feeling Callum’s palm against the small of his back as they weaved through the students stood around the dance floor.

“Sorry.” Callum said, voice carrying now they were no longer in the club, sitting down at the nearest empty table. “I find clubs a bit much.”

“I know you don’t like town, but you suggested it, so I just thought?”

“Yeah, I know _you_ do.” Callum said, looking sheepish. “I lost a lot of friends last year cos I didn’t wanna go out to the clubs. I just… I don’t mind it too much here. I’m close to the flat.”

“Callum. Let’s go back. I don’t care where we go. I just like spending time with you, and there’s no point if we’re not both enjoying it!”

“You sure?” Callum asked, worried but visibly hopeful.

Ben tutted, shaking his head,

“Course I am, come on.”

As they made their way back through the grounds to their building, Ben could feel the effects of the alcohol lowering his filter. He spoke before he could really think about what it was he was saying, letting out on a breath,

“I’ve missed not seeing you.”

Callum stopped in front of him, turning.

“Yeah. Me too. Ben, I…”

“Yeah?”

They stood like that for what felt like forever, just staring, frozen to the spot.

“Nothing.” Callum said, eventually, taking a breath and walking away, Ben watched as Callum’s hands clenched at his sides, his mind whirring.

*****

Before Ben knew it, it was the end of October. Nights were beginning to get darker earlier, and the weather had started to change. The grounds were looking particularly spectacular, the trees in the woods now vibrant with colour, and red, yellow and orange leaves scattered everywhere.

It was a Friday, and his drama workshop had just finished, the tutor thanking them all and releasing them. Rehearsals with his group had gone well, but the two guys he was working with had approximately one brain cell between them, and he’d almost lost patience with them multiple times. He grabbed his bag and coat from the corner of the room, declining the offer to go for a drink, just wanting to get back to the flat and wallow in self-pity. It was Halloween, signalling a year since his and Paul’s first kiss. He hadn’t thought about him in weeks, but all he wanted to do now was drink himself into oblivion and wipe his ex-boyfriend’s face out of his mind.

He’d been hoping to spend it with Callum and Frankie, for them to be a welcome distraction from his own thoughts. However, when he’d asked what their Halloween plans were going to be, they’d both looked at him apologetically. Callum and Whitney were heading back to London to go to a party his brother was throwing; Frankie was heading home to see her friends. He’d smiled, said he was fine, whilst feeling his jaw grow tight in an attempt to hold back the tears.

Stopping off at the shop, he grabbed himself the cheapest bottle of vodka they sold and a coke, mood rapidly deteriorating. Heading to the checkout, he backtracked, picking up 4 cans of beer at the same time. Scanning them through, the student behind the counter looked at him,

“Cheer up, Mate, it’ll never happen.” He grinned, smile wavering, as Ben glared at him, saying nothing, shoving money into his hand.

“Or not…” He added, affronted, placing the drinks into a bag and passing them across.

“Thanks to you too!” He shouted at Ben’s back.

Ben sent a sarcastic smile his way, as he exited the shop.

Arriving back at the flat, all he wanted to do was text Callum, find out what he was up to, if he was having a better time of it back home than he was alone in the flat. He stopped himself; Callum was with family who cared about him. He didn’t want Ben bothering him with nonsense.

Hearing voices coming from the kitchen, he stopped in surprise. He hadn’t seen anyone else in the flat besides Frankie for weeks. It was the worst timing; he just wanted to be alone.

“Oh, hey, long time no see.” Dotty said, poking her head around the kitchen door at the sound of him entering.

“Hey.” He smiled tightly.

“This is Peter,” she gestured to the man who had appeared next to her; a man who made Callum look small. “We’ll be back out to his flat again in a second, leave you in peace.”

Ben nodded, unsure what to say, pointing to his room,

“See ya around.”

He escaped down the hall quickly, unlocking his door and throwing his phone onto his bed, considering turning it off completely to resist any temptation to message Callum. He grabbed the glass at his bedside and emptied a healthy amount of vodka into it, with limited coke. His need to get drunk intensifying, concluding that he needed to free his mind of any thoughts pertaining to Paul _and_ Callum. Both men who made him feel things he shouldn’t for completely different reasons. Paul loved him, and he’d ruined it. He liked Callum a bit too much, and he was out of bounds. He took a gulp of his drink, trying to phone Jay; frustrations rising as the call went to voicemail. He downed the remainder of his drink, pouring himself another, sinking himself back onto the bed.

*****

Two hours later, Ben was halfway through the bottle of vodka and the world was starting to spin slightly. He would regret this in the morning, but right now, he really could not care any less. He reached down to pour himself another drink, his phone buzzing from the bed next to him, a euphoric rush running through him at the name displayed on the screen. It wasn’t going to help his overall thought process, already struggling to put a mute on Callum invading his brain.

_Callum: I’m at my brother’s party. I’m drunk. I’m a vampire. I’d bite your neck, I bet you’d taste nice_ _😉_

Ben read, and re-read, the message, wondering if Callum had any idea of the effect he had. Blood rushing to multiple parts of his body, he took a drink and a deep breath; Callum was drunk, the text meant nothing. He spent longer than necessary trying to construct a reply that didn’t evidently give away his own feelings,

_Ben: Pretty sure I’d leave a sour taste!_ _😜_ _I’m keeping myself company with a bottle of vodka!_

He pressed send before he could think about it too much, putting his glass down and gripping his phone with both hands, the skin on his fingertips turning white with the pressure.

_Callum: I wish I was there with you, to keep you company. I’m missing you_ _L_

Ben held his breath, blinking rapidly to try and avoid the onslaught of emotion that was currently running through him. Wishing he’d never met Callum, yet needing Callum with him all at once. Trying to bring the texts back to neutral ground, not quite sure if it was possible.

_Ben: Missing you too. I had to have a conversation with Dotty tonight…_

_Callum: I’m still your favourite though, right?_ _😉_ _God, never thought I’d be jealous of Dotty_ _😜_

Ben didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but if Callum wanted to play this game, he was joining in; regret could accompany his hangover in the morning.

_Ben: Always my favourite_ _😘_ _don’t have too much fun without me..._

_Callum: I never have fun without you. I’m so glad I met you this year, Ben._

_Ben: I’m glad I met you too. You have no idea what you do to me Callum Highway._

_Callum: If it’s half of what you do to me, I think I do._

Ben's eyes grew wide and he couldn’t take anymore, switching his phone off and just about resisting throwing it across the room. He grabbed the bottle of vodka from the floor and made it his mission to not remember anything in the morning.

*****

It was Bonfire Night, five days had passed since their drunken texting, yet both Ben and Callum were acting like it had never happened. Ben wasn’t going to bring them up if Callum wasn’t. He’d woken up the next morning with them burnt into his brain, and they hadn’t left since; they were always there, in the back of Ben's mind, on the text string saved on his phone, despite never being spoken about aloud. Every time Ben felt compelled to ask Callum about them, something held him back, worried about what the reaction would be, not wanting to create any tension.

His phone buzzed, Callum’s name displayed on his screen, and he was instantly transported back to the weekend, closing his eyes against the avalanche of images that had begun to run through his head.

_Callum: Fancy going to the Bonfire event in Emerald Park later? Ask Frankie too._

_Ben: count me in. anyone else going?_

_Callum: Whit, Ruby and Stace are going to the Stadium display, if that’s what you’re asking…_

Ben winced,

_Ben: You got me. Frankie says thanks for the offer but she can’t cope with fireworks so she’s gonna stay home. What time?_

_Callum: If we head out at 6?_

_Ben: See you then._

*****

“Thanks for coming, Ben.” Callum said, as they entered the park. “I love bonfire night, always have, but I didn’t want to come alone.”

“Why didn’t you go with Whit?” Ben asked, confused but not really caring about the answer.

“I wanted to spend time you.” Callum’s response came quietly, but firmly, and Ben didn’t know what to do with it.

“And Frankie… Of course, but she couldn’t make it.” Callum added, as an afterthought, with less conviction.

“Yeah, course.” Ben agreed, stomach doing somersaults. As much as he loved spending time with Callum, it was like running a marathon; enjoyable, if you liked that kind of thing, but by the time it was over, he was exhausted.

Callum pointed to the ice cream van that was parked up at the edge of the grass,

“Let’s get an ice cream!”

“It’s freezing, Callum…”

“Yeah,” Callum shrugged. “Ice creams aren’t just for summer. You don’t just have hot drinks in winter, d’ya?”

Ben laughed, warmly, as Callum headed straight to the van.

“Valid point…” Ben acquiesced.

“There you are,” Callum passed a lolly across to Ben, and they walked in silence through the park, listening to the sounds of children laughing and screaming, watching the leaves fall silently from the trees. Ben feeling a rising happiness bloom in his chest.

“Shall we go and see the bonfire being lit?” Callum asked, sometime later.

“You can light my fire any day,” Ben smirked, winking at Callum, who rolled his eyes, unaffected by his words. Ben was disappointed.

“I’m becoming immune to your jokes.” Callum laughed. “Let’s go.”

He redirected them to the centre of the park, joining the crowds of people surrounding the unlit fire. They were stood a lot closer together than they really needed to be, but Ben didn’t want to move.

Eventually, the organiser appeared, shouting words of encouragement through a microphone, getting them all to cheer and whoop and clap. Ben wasn’t going to join in, turning to Callum to scoff at the ridiculousness of it all, only to find the older man was cheering the loudest.

“You big kid,” Ben grinned.

“It’s all part of the fun, Ben. Try it sometime!” He responded, attempting a wink, before clapping and cheering again with the rest of the crowd. Ben laughed, staring straight ahead,

“I’m having fun tonight. I’d have never done anything like this back home. Dad would have said I was being _soft.”_

“Likewise.” Callum responded. “I just make up for lost time now.”

Ben smiled up at him, grateful that his friend understood in a way not many people could. As the organiser began to light the bottom of the fire, Ben turned in confusion, as he felt Callum move away from him, a look of shock on his face.

“Cal?”

“Sorry, Whitney’s here.” He pointed to the other side of the fire, perplexed, before walking round to meet her. Ben stayed where he was, happiness turning to jealousy and disappointment, as he saw them embrace from the other side of the fire pit, just as the flames started to grow. Heat washed over him, a blaze of orange and yellow flickering and sparking, casting a smoky glow over everything. Whitney was glaring at him, Ben glared back. Callum was stood behind her, arms around her waist, head rested on the top of hers, yet he was staring at Ben through the flames, unblinking. Ben stared back, feeling a single tear make its way down his cheek, wishing he was the one being held in Callum’s arms. He didn’t know how long they remained like that, but eventually he turned and walked away, sending a text.

_Ben: Have fun with Whit._

Callum’s text came almost instantly,

_Callum: I’m sorry._

*****

Time continued to fly by at an alarming rate, and Ben could hardly believe there was a week left before uni closed for Christmas. The work was picking up, particularly for Callum who was working more out on the road; weird shift patterns meant even less time together than before, and Ben really needed to talk to Callum before the holidays.

The more they learnt about each other, the closer they became, and the more tempted he was to confide in his friend about his time in prison.

Jay had told him multiple times over the phone to _just do it,_ that if Callum was as nice as Ben made him out to be, he wouldn’t blink an eye. Ben hoped Jay was right, knew he probably was, but the same fear he had in his chest when he came out had returned tenfold, holding him back. The fear that this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back, that this would be the piece of the puzzle that revealed a horror show, and Callum would turn and run. It was a risk Ben had decided he needed to take; he needed Callum to know about his past.

They’d finally managed to find an evening they were both free, and they were sat in the living room in Ben’s flat. Ben was sat in silence picking at the label on the beer bottle he held between his legs, trying to formulate the words he needed to say and coming up short each time.

“You alright, mate?” Callum asked, worriedly.

Ben sighed, looking up from his position on the sofa opposite him,

“Yeah, sorry. Just thinking... There’s things I need to tell you, about me, that I want you to know. I just... Don’t want you to look at me differently once you do.”

“Ben...” He heard the protest in Callum's tone, without him needing to say the words. Callum stood, walking the short distance across the room and sitting down next to Ben. “I’m here to listen, I’ve told you before. Whenever you’re ready.”

He placed an arm round Ben's shoulder, squeezing once, before moving it again.

“I've been to prison, Callum.” It was like ripping off a plaster, watching the shock appear in Callum’s eyes, as his words registered, before they fell back into something more neutral. Ben was relieved, when after a moment’s pause, Callum just shrugged,

“So have many people. Don’t define who they are now.”

Ben smiled thinly, knowing it didn’t reach his eyes,

“I wish everyone had your outlook on life.”

“Everyone has a past, Ben. But you’re clearly here to change ya future.” He responded, lightly.

When he didn’t say anything else, Ben looked up at him, confused,

“Did ya not wanna know why?”

Callum shrugged again,

“Don’t make no difference to me. If you want to tell me, I’m here to listen, but it ain’t important to me.”

Ben shook his head in wonder, thinking back to the first day he met Callum, the perceived kindness he felt from him then, manifesting itself constantly.

“I want you to know, I think. Just… Don’t interrupt? Let me talk?”

Callum nodded, leaning back on the sofa, miming zipping his lips. Ben huffed out a laugh, knowing his look had turned fond but powerless to stop it, especially when Callum smiled back, a look in his eyes that Ben couldn’t pinpoint, but which made him feel warm all over. He wanted to explain everything to Callum; he didn’t want that look to turn cold when he learnt the truth. He had to trust in Callum’s honesty, a concept he found difficult but was getting better at. He breathed in deeply,

“I killed someone, Callum. Manslaughter. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. I’d been stupid, trying to get back at my Dad, and it spiralled. I was angry. I lashed out. When I was in prison, every time I closed my eyes, I could see her face. I get through each day now by telling myself I don’t care. It works, sometimes. Others… I have to sleep with my door open because with it closed it feels like I’m back _there_. It’s where I learnt to sign, in prison. Looked good on my record, meant I was able to apply for early release. When I got back home, back to my Dad, it just cemented my need to get away. He’s toxic, but I always wanted him to love me. He did, in his own way, I suppose. Conditionally. I don’t know what I’d have done as a kid without Jay. I ain’t spoken to Dad since I moved. I get texts sometimes, but he don’t care really. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, being here. This place, meeting you and Frankie, it means so much…” His voice breaking, he stopped, taking a large gulp of his beer.

“I’m staying here, over Christmas, I ain’t going back. Don’t wanna go back.”

“You’re staying here for Christmas?” Callum asked. “You’ll be on ya own, Ben. Are you gonna be ok?”

Ben bit his lip, relieved that Callum had chosen to focus on that part of his speech, instantly accepting what Ben had told him, he felt his earlier apprehension alleviate.

“I’ll be fine, honest. If I go back, if I see my Dad again, all that I’ve managed to do to get away from him will unravel. I know what he’s like. I know what I’m like.” He laughed, bitterly.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay with you, keep you company.” Callum whispered, nudging Ben’s side. “And I don’t speak to my Dad either. I’ve said before. He was drunk, all the time. He used to… My brother took so many punches for me. Stuart. He ain’t the greatest person, one of the most intolerant men I know,” Callum rolled his eyes. “But he always has my back, he’s always there for me, I don’t know what I’d have done without him. Bit like you and Jay. So, you see, Ben, we ain’t that different. Not really. We’re both doing better now, we are better. We can’t let our pasts define us.”

Ben turned into him, pulling the taller man down into a hug,

“Thank you.” He whispered, both of them holding themselves there longer than could be considered friendly. Ben felt Callum’s hand stroking his back, and his eyes dropped closed, relishing the sensation of being held in Callum’s arms.

“Grumpy Cat? Ben?” Frankie’s voice carried through the flat, ending the conversation, and Ben shot backwards, out of Callum's arms, feeling as if he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t. Callum just smiled at him, reaching out a hand and squeezing his arm, holding it there for a second before letting it drop. Frankie’s voice sounded again,

“You in?”

Ben stood, sticking his head around the door of the living room, so Frankie could see him.

“Yeah, I’m here, Callum too.”

“Ah, perfect,” she grinned, camera in its usual spot, hanging round her neck. Her hands formed the signs as she spoke, “two for the price of one. I need to ask you boys a favour!”

“Depends what it is…” Ben said, suspicion lacing his tone.

“Nothing bad!” Frankie laughed, gesturing wildly, affronted. “I just need you both to model for me, for my current assignment. I’d owe you lots of drinks and I’d love you both forever.”

She smiled widely, eyes wide, hands pressed together at her chest. Ben sensed Callum turn to him, and he knew it was a lost cause, meeting Callum’s eyes in agreement,

“Fine.” He huffed out. “What d’ya need us to do?”

“Yes! Lifesavers. Put on ya suits and meet me in the photography building in… an hour?”

She dashed back out of the flat, waving at them.

“What have we just agreed to?” Ben asked.

“I have no idea.” Callum said, voice full of humour, “but it’s Frankie, so I’m sure we’ll end up regretting it!”

Ben wasn’t sure he’d ever regret consenting to doing anything with Callum, but he wasn’t about to announce that fact out loud.

*****

When Ben and Callum arrived at the photography building on campus, after feeling ridiculously dressed up on the bus ride into town, Frankie was waiting for them outside.

“Great, you’re here! Let’s go, slow coaches. Let’s go!”

They followed her into the building, and she navigated them through a maze of corridors to a small studio. The first thought that entered Ben’s head as she opened the door was wondering what the hell he’d agreed to. Frankie had dressed the studio up to look like a wedding venue, an archway placed at the end of a runway, flowers everywhere, paper lovehearts scattered on the floor. It was ridiculously over the top and Ben bit the inside of his cheek to suppress the snort of laughter, turning to smirk at Callum. The bubble of laughter at the scene before him dying instantly at the sight of his friend. Eyes wide, mouth drawn tight in a thin line, breathing coming out in short bursts, hands balled into fists at his side; he looked terrified.

Ben’s mind flew back to the flirty messages the two of them had exchanged whilst Callum was away, the hug they’d shared earlier in the day, his refusal to join them if they ever went to Union. He gently pulled Callum to one side.

“Callum, it’s just an act, I’m an actor, you can be an actor too. It doesn’t mean anything. If you don’t wanna do it, Frankie’ll understand but, just pretend. Have fun?” Callum’s eyes closed, and he sucked in a breath, letting it out slowly. When he opened his eyes again, he looked a lot calmer,

“Yeah, sorry, just… Unexpected. That’s all.”

“Right! Boys. You ready?” Frankie had finished whatever she was doing to ensure everything was as she wanted and was looking their way expectantly.

Ben said nothing, waiting for Callum, who eventually nodded.

“Ok.” Frankie grinned, “first shot, just Callum you stand just here, clasp your hands in front of ya, yeah, that’s it, was gonna say look nervous but you already do!” She laughed, turning to Ben, grabbing his shoulders and positioning him at an angle facing Callum.

“Perfect, Ben, do ya usual smirk. Perfect. Now stay still…”

Ben tried to catch Callum’s eye, whilst Frankie walked around them, taking photos from all angles, but Callum was studiously staring directly ahead, avoiding Ben’s gaze.

“Perfect. You two should rethink your career choices, fit boys like you…” She winked at Ben, who smirked back. “Next shot, stand in front of the arch facing me, that’s it. Right… Ben, if you put your right arm around Callum’s waist, bit further, yeah. Then, Callum, put your left arm behind his back, actually, left hand on his right shoulder. Perfect. Ben, lean into him a little, bit more. That’s better. Look up, into his eyes, Callum look down. Now, stay still, that right there… Two gorgeous husbands, beautiful.”

She signed _beautiful,_ before returning to looking through her camera lens, moving backwards and forwards in front of them taking a variety of different shots. Ben had felt Callum tense the second he’d put his arm on his waist, now though, he was relaxing again. Despite their current positions, Callum’s eyes were flicking everywhere, trying to avoid meeting Ben’s. Eventually though, they stilled, and as their eyes connected, Ben’s ability to breathe became difficult. He could almost hear Callum’s heart beating, as time seemed to slow down around them, the sounds of the camera, and Frankie’s affirmations at the shots she was taking, fading away. Ben swallowed against the lump that had developed in his throat, and Callum’s tongue flicked out to lick his lips. Ben’s breath hitched, and he watched as Callum’s eyes flicked down to his lips, before coming back to meet his again. Ben really wanted to kiss him, more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life. He’d never been prouder of his self-restraint, as he felt his hand grip tighter against Callum’s hip bone, and Callum’s eyes made their way to his lips again. Ben refused to let himself believe Callum wanted to kiss him too, but it very much felt that way. It was as if they were the only two people who existed, right at that moment, and Ben never wanted it to end.

“Perfect! Next shot!” Frankie’s voice cut through whatever bubble they’d wrapped themselves in, and the spell was instantly broken. Callum pulled away, as if he’d been burned, and Ben was left to mourn the loss of their closeness, missing the feeling of Callum’s chest against his back, the feeling of Callum’s hip bone in his hand.

“Sorry, forgot I’ve gotta meet Whit, I’ve got to go.”

“But…” Before Frankie, or Ben, could say anything else, Callum was gone, leaving the pair of them alone.

“Well, great.” Frankie muttered, “just me and you it is then.”

Ben nodded, distracted. He was falling, hard, and it could only lead to heartbreak.

*****

It had been almost a week since Ben had last seen Callum. They hadn’t gone this long without speaking since Freshers. If Frankie had observed the intensity of the moment between them during the modelling session and the circumstances in which Callum had left, then she hadn’t said anything, and if Ben had replayed the moment over in his mind countless times since, then that was no one’s business but his own. His mind had gone into overdrive, running constantly with thoughts of missing Callum, worrying that they were both avoiding each other for the same reason, second guessing himself, and wondering if it was all in his head, meaning nothing had actually happened at all. Callum would be leaving for the holidays in two days, and Ben really wanted to see him before he left. He made the decision before he could change his mind, grabbing his phone and typing out a text,

_Ben: I’m bored. You leave in two days. Wanna come over and watch something?_

Ben’s worries were instantly wiped away, as his phone buzzed in his hand almost instantaneously, as if Callum had been waiting for Ben to make the first move.

_Callum: Popcorn, chocolate, or both?_

Ben couldn’t help himself, replying without thinking, grin on his face.

_Ben: You’re a man after my own heart Highway. Both._

_Callum:_ _😉_ _I’ll be right there!_

Before he could think too much about the texts they’d just exchanged, Callum was knocking on the flat door.

“Hey!”

Callum looked down at him, trademark grin on his face, eyes twinkling, as he held up the bag of popcorn and king-size bar of chocolate he held in his hands. His hair hadn’t been gelled, meaning it was flat, soft and fluffy on his forehead, rather than in its usual quiff. Ben clenched his fists at his sides, nails digging into his palms, to stop himself from reaching out and doing something stupid like running his hands through it. He stepped to the side, holding the door open wider,

“Come in.”

Now that Callum was here, Ben felt awkward, unsure of what to say. He suddenly found himself agonising over whether to bring up what had happened, whilst Callum remained where he was, stood frozen in the doorway.

“Ben – “

“Callum, I – “ 

Speaking over each other with a laugh, the tension finally beginning to evaporate. Ben waved a hand in Callum’s direction,

“After you.”

“Nothing really, just glad you text. It’s been… I’ve missed you.”

Ben’s breath hitched in his throat at the words,

“Yeah, I missed you too.” He managed to force out, against the tidal wave of _want_ that had abruptly burst through him, as Callum brushed past him to enter the flat. He coughed against it, shoving the thoughts and onslaught of emotion away, back into the crevices of his mind. As they reached his room, he stepped aside to let Callum through first. Callum threw himself onto the tiny single bed, and Ben began to regret asking him over, realising with horror that there wasn’t much room for the pair of them to sit together side by side. Callum’s long limbs taking up more room than he’d anticipated, and with thoughts of piercing blue eyes staring down into his own, and the memory of his arm wrapped around Callum’s waist, he wasn’t sure how sensible this idea was anymore. 

“You alright, Ben?” Callum asked, concern evident in his face.

Ben schooled his features into something he hoped was more neutral, reaching for his laptop,

“Yeah, yeah. What did ya wanna watch?”

“You choose.” Callum responded quickly. “Something Christmassy?”

“White Christmas?” He enquired, mouse hovering over the title. He hadn’t watched the film in years, his Dad putting stop to anything so _soft and girly._ He was certain Callum wouldn’t judge.

Callum nodded, with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes as much as it usually did, his face slightly more guarded. Ben smiled tightly back, half wanting things to go back to normal, to how they were before, half wanting things to progress, having to remind himself that _Callum had a girlfriend!_

Pressing play and balancing the laptop at the foot of the bed, he shuffled backwards, leaning against the wall, trying his hardest to leave a decent sized gap between them, despite the lack of space creating difficulty. He grabbed the popcorn, placing it between them and Callum looked at him softly. Too softly. He blinked, once, holding the gaze, before forcing himself to turn back to the screen, lost in his own thoughts.

*****

At some point during the course of the film, they’d somehow moved closer together, popcorn now resting on Callum’s lap, rather than on the bed between them. Ben could feel the heat radiating off Callum, making it extremely difficult to focus on anything except for the man next to him. He was extremely aware that if either of them shifted even half a cm, their sides would be pressed flush against each other and it was so, so tempting. He knew he _shouldn’t_ but, Ben thought, he wasn’t known for making sensible decisions. He made to reach for the bag of popcorn, awkwardly taking a handful with his right hand and repositioning himself at the same time. Just like that, they were touching, and all he could think about was the feel of Callum's arm fully against his, his leg pressed against Callum’s. His nerve endings were on fire and he didn’t dare look in Callum’s direction, staring resolutely at the screen, trying to act natural, as if he was unaware of what was happening at his right-hand side. He was determined to commit this to memory.

He felt Callum shift slightly and his heart stopped for a second, thinking he was going to pull away, but he made no attempt to move or reduce the contact.

He dared to look over, flicking his eyes upwards to Callum’s face, only to see piercing blue staring back, his cheeks dusted pink. He turned away as soon as Ben made eye contact, focussing back on the screen but still making no effort to create a gap between them again.

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, Ben’s world beginning and ending at the parts of his body that were touching Callum’s, and then Ben felt Callum's little finger brush against his where it rested on mattress. He looked up again. Callum was still staring at the screen, and Ben, who had long ago given up trying to make sense of what was going on in the film, had just begun to think he’d imagined it, when the action was repeated.

The third time, he caught the finger with his own, linking them together, expecting now to be the moment that Callum bolted. Still he stayed, and Ben felt Callum’s eyes turn their attention on him once more. He turned his head upwards, slowly, and this time Callum didn’t look away.

The air around them suddenly became charged, the tension palpable, and Ben saw Callum’s eyes leave his own for a fraction of second, flicking to his laps. His breath caught in his throat, and his mind was racing, trying to make sense of everything; a replay of what had happened at the photography studio, and trying not to think about any potential consequences of letting this go any further.

“Cal...” He let out on a whisper, not wanting to disrupt whatever this was.

Neither of them moved, just staring, locked in limbo, not sure what to do next. Ben sensed, rather than saw, Callum lean in towards him, but as he reached up to meet him halfway, suddenly something snapped, and Callum pulled away abruptly, repeating the words, the excuse, he’d used the week before,

“I... I’m meeting Whit, I’ve got to go.”

Before Ben could realign himself, Callum had gone.

He let out a groan, throwing himself back onto the bed, palms covering his eyes. Callum was his friend, his apparent straight friend, who had a girlfriend. Ben was beginning to suspect that he was going through the same internal struggles that he had been through not that long ago, and now Callum was heading home for the holidays. Ben turned over, burying his face into his mattress, and let out a muffled scream.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was meant to be the last chapter... It isn't anymore.  
> I felt like this chapter needed to end where it does, meaning it is a shorter than planned update... And quite a sad one! Sorry...

It was becoming a bit of a running theme between them now, Ben mused, whilst sat in the uni library, researching Greek playwrights for his current assignment, which had a fast-approaching deadline. They’d have a moment, Callum would run off, and they wouldn’t talk for days, or in this case almost three weeks. The holidays had crawled by, and it was driving Ben mad to the point of distraction. He’d spent most of the break reliving the moment on his bed, regretting it, and wanting something more to happen between them all at once; the last time he was this conflicted, he was the one with the girlfriend.

He'd tried messaging Callum multiple times, to no avail, and after the 5th text with no reply, he'd finally accepted he was definitely being ignored.

Callum knew he was on his own on Christmas day, knew about his family, the choices and sacrifices he’d made, and still _nothing._ It was this that hurt the most, piercing his skin and leaving a scar on his heart. If Ben was truly honest with himself, he was angry. Angry at himself for letting Callum in, knowing it would lead to nothing. Angry at Callum, for allowing him to get too close, then avoiding him, ignoring him. He also now had first-hand experience of what Paul must have gone through at his own hands, and the guilt of his past was only making his current frustration worse.

Callum should be back in town now, and he still hadn’t heard from him. He couldn’t concentrate on what he was meant to be doing, instead finding himself doodling Callum’s name in his uni notebook. He ripped the page out, screwing it up with a strangled moan. He missed Jay, he missed Paul, he missed Callum. He shut down the computer he was working on; admitting to himself that trying to complete any more work would be a futile attempt. Shoving his work and books into his bag, he headed out, needing a walk, needing to clear his head.

He found himself by the canal that ran through the centre of campus, wandering along the tow path; sounds of crickets and running water relaxing him, and for the first time in weeks, he began to feel the tension release from his body. He was aware of the irony of his current situation. He’d left Walford to get away from it all, the stress, the constant need to be someone he wasn’t, and he’d walked straight into this _thing_ with Callum. This _thing_ that was complicated enough when he was certain it was one-sided.

He needed to speak to Jay; needed someone to help him see sense. Reaching into his pocket for his phone, his heart sank, beating faster with worry, when he saw the notifications on the screen,

_(5) missed calls._

_(2) new voicemails_

_(4) new messages_

He opened the messages with a sense of dread. His first thought flying to his Dad, wondering if his liver had finally given up.

_Jay: Where are you??_

_Jay: Ring me!_

_Jay: Seriously Ben. Where are you? Ring me asap._

_Jay: Ben! It’s Paul. Please ring me when u get this_

His heart stopped for a split second before it plummeted into his stomach. He felt sick, pressing call and praying Jay answered.

“Ben! Oh, thank… Where the hell have you been?”

“Library, don’t matter, Jay. Paul? What’s happened? Is he ok?”

He heard Jay breathe out a sigh, and it did nothing to quell the fear that had lodged itself deep into his bones. He was shivering, despite it being a warm evening and he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Jay had to say next.

“Ben… Where are you now? You should probably sit down?”

“Just tell me.” Ben’s voice didn’t sound like his own.

“Ben... I don’t… He… I’m so sorry.”

“Jay…” Ben’s voice grew darker, in warning. “Tell me Paul is alright.”

“I’m so sorry, Ben. I just found out. Paul. He’s… He died.”

“No…” He felt empty, devoid of any emotion he could name. Falling to the floor, no longer able to hold his own weight, his knees scraped against the gravel, yet the pain didn’t register. His phone dangled limply in his hands. He could vaguely hear Jay calling his name at the other end of the line, but it was miles away. The world around him closing in, crickets and water that not that long ago had calmed him, were now deafening; too loud, distorted, like shockwaves crashing through him.

He forced the phone back to his ear, tears streaming now, thick in his throat, making it hard to speak, forcing out the only question he needed to know the answer to.

“How?”

“Ben, maybe we should talk later, give you chance to…”

“No! Tell me, Jay.”

“I…” Jay breathed out another sigh, “he’d been into town, with… a friend… He was walking back to the station and… We don’t know what happened exactly, but he was found… He’d been beaten… He, his injuries were…”

Ben cut off the call, phone dropping to the floor. Paul. _His Paul._ It was all his fault. He shouldn’t have… He should have been there. All he wanted now was Callum, he needed Callum. Needed Callum to tell him everything would be alright, hoping he was back, hoping he wouldn’t turn him away. He ignored his phone, which was buzzing incessantly with Jay’s repeated attempts to phone him back, and switched it off.

He managed to drag himself to his feet, and the journey back to Horace Hall went by in a blur, his legs working on autopilot, leading him blindly back to his block, knocking loudly on Callum’s flat door, praying he’d be in.

At the sight of Whitney appearing in the doorway in front of him, feelings of guilt rose to the surface, mixing with grief, and he instantly regretted his decision,

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

He made to move away; stopped in his tracks as Whitney called his name,

“Ben? Wait. Are you… Callum!”

The minute Callum appeared, Ben lost control all over again, fresh tears falling down his cheeks, grabbing hold of the railing on the stairs to keep himself upright, feeling Callum’s arm gripping his shoulders, supporting him. He vaguely registered him say something to Whitney, before he felt Callum’s breath brush against his neck,

“Let’s get you inside,” mumbled against his ear.

He somehow managed to find his keys, lodged deep into the bottom of his bag, and Callum unlocked the door to the flat, letting them into Ben’s bedroom. Ben instantly collapsed onto the bed, exhausted, unable to think, unable to breathe, and he felt himself fall into a fitful sleep, holding tightly to Callum’s hand as he did so.

_Paul pulling him close, hugging him, in the front room of his flat, hand stroking his hair._

_The room fading away and they were in The Albert, his Mum looking proud, before she floated out of sight in a puff of smoke, only to be replaced by his Dad, sneering in disgust._

_Paul taking his hand, leading him outside, onto unknown, empty streets._

_Paul attempting to kiss him, but not letting it happen. Paul looking at him, disappointed, beginning to walk away._

_Running after him, stopped by strangers appearing, out of nowhere, black mist around their faces, fire in their hands. Creating a wall, stopping him from reaching out, unable to save him._

_Paul disappearing in a spark of flames…_

He woke with a start, disoriented, the feeling of a hand stroking his hair.

“Paul?” He jolted upright, opening his eyes to see Callum staring worriedly at him, and the memories of the last few hours came rushing back, burying him, choking him.

“Ben. Ben. It’s okay.” Callum pulled Ben into his arms, holding him, firm and strong. Ben buried his face into Callum’s chest, and sobbed, allowing himself to be supported, to be held.

Eventually, he attempted to pull himself away, ashamed he’d let himself fall apart so clearly in front of someone, his Dad’s word echoing in his head, _weak._ Callum making _shhhh_ sounds, soothing him, as one hand stroked down his back and the other held his head, fingers tangled in his hair.

“Sorry.” He mumbled, as he sat upright, rubbing at his eyes, his contacts making them sting from all the tears he had shed.

“There’s no need to apologise, Ben.” Callum responded. “Cry on me all you need.” He nudged Ben with his elbow, and Ben looked up at him, allowing himself a small smile.

“Thanks.”

“Ben…” Callum said, quietly, “you don’t have to tell me, really, you don’t, but I’m here for you, and… You know you can talk to me, right? Tell me what’s wrong?”

Ben looked at him, feel his eyes well up with tears all over again, getting tired of crying now, he wiped them away roughly with the palm of his hand.

“I… I need a drink.”

He stood, making his way to the kitchen and grabbing the half empty bottle of vodka from his cupboard, unscrewing the lid and taking a large gulp straight from the bottle. Wincing as he swallowed, yet relishing the burn.

“Want a swig?” He asked, as Callum appeared next to him.

“No. Ben… Are you sure this is a wise idea?”

“It’s the best idea.” He winked at Callum, taking another drink. Callum didn’t respond this time, instead looking at him, brow furrowed in worry. It wasn’t helping Ben, who just wanted to reach out and smooth it away, all whilst images of Paul swam his mind, shouting _traitor!_ He drank some more, and resentment rose to the surface, thrust forward by grief,

“I’m going back to my room. I shouldn’t have come to ya. You ain’t spoken to me in weeks. Go back to ya girlfriend, Callum.”

He walked out before Callum could say anything, before Callum could see the tears begin to fall down his cheeks again. By the time Callum reappeared, hesitant, at his doorway, the bottle had been disregarded, almost empty, and Ben was laid back on his bed, hugging his pillow, silently sobbing.

“Ben…” Callum’s voice was full of concern, as he surged forwards, sitting at the foot of the bed, and encasing Ben’s hand in his own.

“What’s happened?” He asked, in a whisper. “I’m here for you, I’ll always be here.”

“You sure about that?” Ben choked out.

“I’m sorry,” Callum sighed. “I know I… That’s for another time. I’m here now.”

Callum was still holding on tightly to his hand, and Ben allowed the feel of it to ground him, keep him in the present, give him the courage he needed,

“Paul. He’s… He’s dead, Callum. Paul’s dead, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

If Callum was confused, he didn’t show it, instead shuffling further up the bed, swinging his legs round and pulling Ben into his side, arm around his shoulders, repeating,

“I’m here,” as his hand moved to stroke through his hair, his free hand taking Ben’s into his own again.

“Paul… He was… Have you ever been in love?”

Callum’s hand stilled, before resuming its stroking, the only sign that the question had thrown him,

“O’ course…” Ben cut him off, continuing, not really listening to the response,

“I didn’t mean to fall in love wi’ Paul,” He scoffed before continuing. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with blokes at all, but it don’t work like that. I spent so long just trying to be someone else, and then it just hits you. You can’t fight it, you just gotta let it take you. I was so lonely before I met him, you know, living a lie, feeling dead inside.”

A fresh wave of tears came, and Ben let out a shuddering breath, Callum’s hand squeezing his tighter.

“We split up cos o’ me, I was too scared, to tell anyone back home. I had a girlfriend, then I just couldn’t… Didn’t dare. My Dad. I told Jay, but by then it was too late. I’d already told Paul I was moving here, for uni. I ain’t spoken to him since. He... He was my world. And now… They killed him, Callum, and now he’s dead and he’ll never know… how much he meant. I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

Callum pulled him closer, hugging him tightly to his chest, feeling lips brush against hair, letting him cry all over again, until his eyes ran dry.

Pushing himself into an upright position, and seeing the concern on Callum’s face, eyes piercing his soul, all thoughts flew from Ben’s head. He didn’t want to think or cry or _feel._ He wanted something physical, something feral, to take away the pain etched deep into his heart. Desperately, he reached up and pressed their lips together, not wanting to acknowledge how reckless he was being. Callum’s lips were soft, yet firm, and very gently, for a brief second, pushed back against his, before Callum shoved at his shoulders, pushing him away, scrambling off the bed, standing, staring at him in horror, breathing heavily. Paul came rushing back into Ben’s mind, regret and shame washing over him. He dug the palm of his hands into his eyes, groaning,

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I wasn’t…”

“It’s fine.” Callum mumbled, gazing steadfast at the floor. “You’re upset, thinking about Paul. Understandable. I’m… You know where I am, if you need me.”

He rushed out of the room, not looking back, and Ben was feeling too upset, too angry, too frustrated with everything, with Callum, with Paul, with himself, to let it go. He ran after him, watching the flat door slam behind Callum, and _I can’t do this anymore!_

He screamed, feeling it rise and powerless to stop it, raw and desperate, wanting to hit, kick, punch, anything, anyone, needing physical pain to match the emotional torment that was running through him, gripping him. Losing control, it was if he was watching himself from a distance, punching the nearest wall, feeling his knuckles wrench with pain, watching as he reached the kitchen and threw the table over, swiping at the sides, plates and cutlery that had been left to dry hitting the floor, shattering, before landing on his hand and knees, body wrenching with dry sobs. Reality hit him again with force, hearing banging on the flat door, followed by Callum’s voice,

“I mean it, Ben, let me in. Unless you want me to get security, you’ll open this door. Now.”

Ben forced himself to his feet, opening the flat door. He didn’t want to think about how he might look, his hand was throbbing from where it had connected with the wall, his head felt like it was splitting in two.

“I’m sorry,” Callum whispered, and Ben fell against him for what felt like the millionth time since he’d returned home not even an hour before, losing the battle inside his head, which was telling him not to. Ben’s hands gripped to the back of Callum’s t-shirt, Callum’s arms wrapped round Ben’s shoulders, holding him, secure. 

Eventually, Ben stood back, unsure what to say now his anger had diminished, feeling ashamed of his actions,

“Look, let’s get that hand bandaged, then tidy the kitchen before we do anything else, yeah?” Callum asked, taking charge, Ben needing him to. “Where’s your first aid kit?”

Ben shrugged his shoulders, not trusting his voice would hold out. Callum led him gently into the kitchen, positioning one of the chairs back into an upright position, before sitting Ben down.

“Wait here, I’ll be 2 minutes, I promise.”

When Callum returned, bandage in hand, Ben was oblivious, staring straight ahead, mind blank now, seemingly unaware of his surroundings. When Callum finally spoke again, Ben was somehow back in his bedroom, on his bed.

“Ben, the kitchen is sorted, yeah, I don’t think your hand is broken, but if it swells or you can’t move it or anything…” Callum sat on the edge of the bed, looking at him. “Not now, I know it’s not the right time, but we need to talk about…”

The words stirred something inside Ben, a bitterness that made his insides blister, bubbling up, burning his tongue, and forcing out words that he knew would hurt,

“Let’s not, Callum, yeah? You run off, back to your girlfriend, do what you do best, avoid me. It’s worked for you so far, right? Leave me alone to grieve the guy who was braver than I ever was and you ever will be.”

“Ben…” He reached out, as if he was going to touch Ben’s hand, before thinking better of it, and shaking his head. “I’m sorry.”

Ben sighed, resignation setting in, trying to form a smile that displayed itself more like a grimace,

“Me too. I’ll be fine, Callum. I think I need to be on my own now.”

“Ben…”

“I _really_ need to be on my own.”

Callum stood, cautious and uncertain, before nodding faintly, reluctantly accepting the words, taking one last look over his shoulder as he left.

Hearing the flat door close, softly this time, Ben laid himself down, curling himself up, and crying tears he wasn’t sure he had left in him, for himself, for Paul, and for Callum.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made it to the end, after completely rewriting the entirety of this chapter four times (I wish I was exaggerating!)  
> Thank you to everyone who has read and commented so far, I hope you enjoy this final chapter! ❤️️

From the minute Jay had uttered the fateful words, Ben’s memories were hazy, like he’d walked through the hours that followed in a dream. He knew he’d kissed Callum, he wished he hadn’t, not under those circumstances, yet he couldn’t determine whether Callum’s lips pressing back against his was imagined or not, whether it was a hope so ingrained within him that he was beginning to believe it might be true.

Frankie had returned back from the holidays that night and had instantly appeared at his bedside, waking him and shoving her phone in his face, displaying a message she had received from Callum,

_Callum: Ben had some bad news. Please check if he’s ok. I’ll come round later if I can. Thanks Frankie_ _xx_

Ben found himself telling her everything; everything from prison, to his Dad and Paul. He wanted to tell her about Callum, but stopped himself. Whatever Callum was going through, it wasn’t his place to potentially out him to their mutual best friend. Frankie had just hugged him and reminded him that she would always love her Grumpy Cat.

When Callum had unexpectedly reappeared later, he had been red-faced and unable to look him in the eye; neither of them mentioned the kiss. Instead, he and Frankie had let Ben tell them stories about Paul, happy memories that Ben vaguely remembers smiling about, through watery eyes.

It was two days later, and he finally felt up to facing the outside world again. As he turned his phone on, it buzzed incessantly with a ridiculous number of messages and missed calls from Jay, and his heart sank, filled with remorse that he had left it so long to get back in touch with his brother. Jay answered as soon as Ben pressed the call button, his voice coming out on a breathless, relieved, whisper,

“Ben, oh my God. Are you ok?”

After spending ten minutes apologising and reassuring Jay that he was fine, insisting that he’d just needed time to process the news, his brother eventually accepted the explanation.

“So, I don’t know if you want to talk about it, you probably should, but we don’t have to, but Paul’s funeral, mate, it’s gonna take longer than it normally would, cos of the, erm, cos of circumstances. They gotta determine cause o’ death and all that. Pam’s asked me to do the funeral service, I can let ya know the date when it’s confirmed, if ya want?”

Ben wasn’t sure what he wanted, whether he was even going to go. It would mean going back to Walford, seeing his Dad again, re-entering the life that he had worked so hard to step away from. Yet, at the same time, it was _Paul._ Paul, who had accepted him, waited for him. Paul, who Ben had let down. _Would not going be letting him down again?_ His brain supplied. He pressed his palm against his forehead, eyes screwed shut, trying to press away the headache he could feel forming.

“I dunno what I want, Jay. I just don’t know.”

“Ya don’t have to decide now, think about it, let me know whenever. It won’t be for at least 3 weeks, maybe longer, we don’t know. Whatever ya decide though, Ben, I’m here for ya. You’re my brother, right, I always will be.”

Ben felt a lump rise up in his throat, swallowing against it,

“Thanks, Jay. I mean it. I don’t know what I’d do without ya.”

“Always, mate, ya know that. Callum and Frankie have been there for ya, right? You best o’ told ‘em. I know what your like, Ben, but you need your friends. Let them be there for ya, yeah.”

At the mention of Callum, Ben felt his head start to spin again. Whilst he couldn’t confide in Frankie, he could tell Jay. He needed to tell someone before he went insane, and Jay didn’t know Callum, so it wouldn’t be breaking his trust. He hoped.

“I told ‘em. Jay… I need to talk to ya. About Callum.”

Eventually, Ben had recounted every moment between them since he’d moved, every look, every stare that had lasted too long, every hug, every text.

“Jesus, mate.” Jay sighed, when Ben had finally finished. “Ya don’t make things easy on yourself.”

Ben snorted,

“Tell me about it.”

“Look, you’re grieving at the minute, so don’t do anything too hasty yeah, all your emotions are heightened, just decide how much he means to ya, then decide if he’s worth waiting for, yeah? I wish I could help more than that.”

Ben thought about it, how Paul had waited for him, yet he’d broken both their hearts. It was possible Callum would do the same; he understood Paul a little better now.

“No, thanks, Jay, seriously. It helped just to be able to talk about it. Anyway, you still need to get your arse up North! We need to rearrange your visit. How’s Lola doing?”

“Lola’s fine, I’ve still not fully forgiven her for ruining the plan last year.”

Ben laughed, despite the dark cloud he still felt above his head,

“Mate, come on, she didn’t plan on getting rushed to hospital!”

“Yeah, but the timing of her appendix sucked. As soon as Paul’s funeral is organised and sorted, if you don’t make it back here, we’ll rearrange, yeah?”

“Sounds good to me, mate. I’ll speak to ya soon, yeah?”

As the phone call ended, Ben threw himself back onto the bed, trying to make sense of the decisions he needed to make; whether he should go to the funeral, whether Callum was worth waiting for.

*****

A month had passed since Ben had received the news about Paul, and every so often he’d feel a wave of grief so strong that it pulled him down, crashing over him in waves that made it difficult to breathe. However, each day he became a little stronger, finding it easier to cling onto the surface, stopping himself from drowning in a tidal wave of emotion.

He had yet to get a date for the funeral, meaning he was pushing the thought of it to the back of his mind. Callum was his current major problem. They were talking, yes, but via text. He had only seen him once in passing since the night he’d received the news about Paul. When they weren’t messaging, Ben would be adamant that was it, he was going to tell Callum he couldn’t do it anymore. Then his phone would buzz, Callum’s name displaying on the screen, and his resolve would falter.

“Grumpy Cat?”

“Hmm?” Ben looked up from where he was sat at the kitchen table, learning his lines.

“You left your phone in my room. You just missed a call from Jay.”

“Oh shit, thanks. Once I’ve phoned him, don’t suppose you can spend 10 minutes or so helping me go through these lines. They just ain’t going in and it’s the final rehearsal before the assessment tomorrow.”

Frankie nodded in affirmation, as she placed his phone on the table in front of him and exited the kitchen again.

Swiping down on the notifications displayed on his phone screen, he sighed, the messages he’d received signalling his time was up. It was time to make a choice.

_(1) missed call_

_(2) messages from (2) chats_

_Jay: Date for Paul’s funeral has been finalised, a week today, 4pm. Make the choice that’s right for you x_

_Callum: I know we haven’t talked as much lately, and I’m sorry. I needed time to think. Can we talk? Meet you at the woods in 20mins? xx_

Leaving Jay’s message for the time being, he opened the one from Callum, sending a reply.

_Ben: see u there._

He shoved his phone into his back pocket and picked up his script. He needed something to pass the next 15minutes, line learning with Frankie it was going to be.

*****

When Ben had arrived, Callum was already there, hands in his pockets, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, nervous energy radiating off him. They’d walked, side by side, through the woods; the trees looking like skeletons of their former selves, brittle and bare. Ben’s mind slipping back to the day he’d arrived, when they were green and full of life, promising to make memories here, good ones. The way he felt right now, he related more to the trees in their current state than he’d care to admit.

Callum had asked more questions about Paul, and Ben had let him, realising that talking about him helped ease some of the pain.

“Do you know when the funeral is yet?” Callum asked, glancing at him slightly.

Ben sighed,

“Next week. Jay text to tell me today. I don’t know what to do though, I promised myself I’d never go back there. Not after everything.”

Callum touched his arm, gently, for a split second,

“This is different though, Ben, and you know it. This is your last chance to say goodbye to the man who helped shaped you into the proud, amazing, man you are today. You’ll regret it, if you don’t go.” Callum said. “I wouldn’t know _you,_ if it wasn’t for him.”

Ben hummed, noncommittally,

“Yeah, maybe, but I doubt you brought me out here wanting to talk about my ex, Callum.” He turned to Callum, eyebrow raised, signalling the talk about Paul was over.

There was a pause, a moment of time slipped by where neither man spoke, just a weird atmosphere enveloping them, holding them. Ben wasn’t sure either of them let out a breath. It was obvious where the topic of conversation was headed, and Ben wasn’t sure he wanted to know how it was going to end.

“No, I wanted to talk to ya, Ben. I’ve been thinking about… Oh, about _everything._ I’ve been all over the place., but I know what I’ve gotta do. Ben, I’m going to end things with Whit.” His last words came out rushed, and not what Ben expected, shocking him.

“Why?” It came out on a whisper, the realisation that he needed the answer to be his own name hitting him with force, and exploding through him. He didn’t get an answer straight away, and he stopped walking, not wanting to go any further; it took Callum a second to realise that Ben was no longer beside him, and when he did, he stilled, turning on the spot, slowly,

“Ben, I – “

“Why, Callum?” Ben cut Callum off, not wanting to hear any more excuses.

“You know why.” The response came back frantic, almost pleading, his eyes telling a million different stories.

“Do I?” He insisted, the gap between them becoming magnetic, pulling them both in, and before Ben had a chance to blink, Callum was in front of him, so close he could feel his breath brush against his cheek.

“Do I?” He repeated, almost silently, as he reached up, slowly, with his left hand to stroke gently against Callum’s cheek. Callum’s eyes were wide, scared, but determined, as he place his hands against both of Ben’s cheeks, holding him there. They were cold, and rougher than Ben was expecting, making him shiver, but Ben didn’t think he’d ever felt as warm as he did right then. Slowly, Callum walked him backwards, until Ben found himself pressed up against the trunk of the closest tree, and there was Callum, head tilted to one side, so close that their noses brushed, breaths mingling. Ben’s senses were in overload, he was tingling all over, the smell of Callum’s aftershave taking over his nostrils, making him dizzy. He needed this, yet,

“Are you sure this is okay?” Ben was sure he made out the words,

“Yes, yes to everything,” before he lost all sense of self, and the only things he could focus on were Callum’s lips against his, strong and firm, losing himself in the sensation. The kiss was messy and desperate, impulse taking over; it was everything Ben had been hoping for and more.

Eventually, they pulled apart, breathing heavily, and for the first time since Ben had become certain Callum wasn’t being totally honest with himself, the older man didn’t run. He just rested his head gently against Ben’s, before leaning down again and kissing him again, softly. Reaching down and capturing one of Ben’s hands in his own, he tangled their fingers together.

“Can I show you something?” He asked, unsure. Callum could have asked anything, and Ben’s answer would have been the same,

“Yes.”

Not letting go of Ben’s hand, Callum pulled them further into the woods, where the trees grew closer together, making it harder to see the designated path. Arriving at a clearing that was well hidden from public view, Callum gestured around him with his free hand,

“I found this last year. I use it when I need to think, when things are getting too much. I’ve used it a lot this year, since meeting you. You… You bring back feelings I’ve spent so long trying to bury. It scares me, how much I want you. It’s getting harder and harder to pretend I don’t. I have Whitney, yet I just feel so lonely when I’m with her. Like there’s something missing here.” He lets go of Ben’s hand, thumping his fist against his chest.”

“Callum…”

“Kiss me again, Ben. Please.”

It was all Ben wanted to do, to kiss Callum over and over again; to never stop kissing Callum, but his words had just reminded Ben of the reason they couldn’t.

“Callum, I can’t keep doing this, you can’t keep doing this to me, and yourself. I know it’s hard for you, I’ve been there, and I will be there for you, for whatever you need. I just... I can’t have us do this, then you disappear on me again. You just said it yourself, you have Whitney, you still have Whitney, and doing this ain’t fair on her, you, or me. Trust me, the guilt will eat you alive”

Callum’s head fell, before he looked at Ben, determination set in his features.

“I… I’ll meet you at your flat later. I have something I need to do.”

“Callum, wait!”

Callum turned, walking back to Ben, grabbing him and kissing him once more.

“I promise, I’m not running away this time,” and then he was gone.

Ben watched him walk away, sinking down against the nearest tree. Resting his elbows onto his raised knees, he sighed heavily into his hands, hoping that Callum had more courage than he’d ever had.

He pulled out his phone before he could change his mind, buying train tickets back to the place he’d once vowed to never set foot in again, texting Jay,

_Ben: I’ll be there next week._

*****

Ben was laid on his bed, throwing a ball in the air, trying to forget about the previous few hours, knowing there was nothing he could do to change any of it now.

Eventually, what felt like days later, Ben’s phone buzzed from where he’d left it on the desk. His heart was in his mouth, as he reached for it to read the text,

_Callum: I’m outside. Can I come in?_

He couldn’t control the smile that appeared on his face. He let Callum in, and as they reached his bedroom, Ben allowed himself to take a proper look at him. His eyes were puffy and red; he’d clearly been crying.

“Callum, are you…?” At Ben’s words, tears instantly reappeared in Callum’s eyes, which he brushed away with the back of his hand.

“I told her, Ben. Told her I was… That I… She knows I kissed you. I… It was what I went there to do. What I wanted wanted to do, but now, I...”

His voice broke, and the dam lifted, tears flowing heavily down his cheeks. Ben lifted his arm up, placing his hand behind Callum’s neck and pulling his head down against his shoulder, holding him, letting him cry in a mirror image of when Callum had comforted him.

“You’ll get there, I promise. I’ve been there. Paul… It’s hard, I know, it hurt, but Callum, you did the right thing.”

Callum pulled away, one hand gripping onto the top of Ben’s arm, thumb stroking,

“I know. I know I did. It’s just… I loved Whit, I still do, I probably always will, and now she hates me, and I don’t know what’s going to happen with the flat, where I’m going to live and…”

“Callum. Slow down.” Ben placed a hand gently against Callum’s chest. “We can work it out, I’ll be there for you, I promise. Just… Come and have a drink, and - ”

“Can I kiss you now?” Callum cut him off, speaking quickly, hands resting lightly against Ben’s collar. Ben looked at him,

“Are you sure?”

Callum didn’t respond with words, instead crashing their lips together, hands moving to clasp behind his head, pulling Ben’s closer, deepening the kiss, as they moved together to sit on the bed.

Ben allowed it to happen, before finally pulling back slowly, leaning their foreheads together in an attempt to compose himself.

“We need to talk, Callum, properly talk, about everything.”

“I know, I know we do, but I’m done with talking for today. I just need… I need you.”

Ben pressed a light kiss against his forehead, powerless,

“You’ve got me. I’m right here.”

“Please, can we sleep? Just sleep? We’ll talk in the morning, I promise.”

“Yeah, yeah, we can do that. There’s not much room in this bed though…”

They both laughed, softly, and Ben let himself kiss Callum again, melting against him, allowing the belief that this was going to be okay to bloom and take root inside of him.

Eventually, they lay down on the small bed, and pressed against man who had become so special, so important, in such a short space of time, Ben’s eyes drifted closed; his hand resting on Callum’s chest, Callum’s arm around him, holding him close. Ben knew that he’d found the thing that he’d been searching for all his life. It wasn’t going to be an easy ride; it would take time, but he was optimistic for the future. Home, he’d begun to comprehend, wasn’t a specific place, it was who you made it with. Home wasn’t a destination. It was a person.


End file.
